Nobody’s perfect; we all know that. But it would appear that the best way to motivate children and get them to modify their behaviour is by paying less attention to their mistakes, not more. Research consistently shows that by focusing on what we’d like to see kids do, instead of what we’d like to see them do less of or stop doing altogether, we will not only get the behaviour results we want, but that they’ll also feel better about themselves and us.

The struggle for parents is that we tend to notice the mistakes so much more efficiently than the stuff that’s going well. I read somewhere that one of the reasons that “no” is so often a word that toddlers say is because as they’re learning language, it’s one of the words they hear most often. I don’t know if it’s possible to prove that one way or the other, but it is worth considering. How often do we say “no” to our children? Or put another way, how often is our attention and focus on the negative, rather than the positive?

Mistakes are hard to avoid. Sometimes we can’t even know that we’ve made a mistake until we’ve tried it out and taken a look at the results we got. We need to instil in our children that mistakes are fine, that we all make mistakes, and that there are very few mistakes that lead to truly disastrous consequences. What matters more than avoiding mistakes is gaining the courage to be imperfect, as Rudolph Dreikurs would say. Children need to develop the internal strength to acknowledge their mistakes, and move forward from them.

While our initial reaction may be to spend a great deal of time focusing on the events and decisions that lead up to the mistake (“What were you thinking?”, “Why would you do that?”, “What have you done?”, “Didn’t I just tell you to be careful?”), that will get us nowhere. We tend to believe that punishment is the best way to discourage a certain behaviour, but research consistently proves that to be a false belief – and perhaps you’ve noticed as much in your own household.

What works better is focusing on where to go from here, and what we do now that the mistake has been made. Looking at what can be done now gives our kids concrete solutions that they can act on to overcome feelings of guilt, shame, or embarrassment, and it helps them to develop the courage to try again. They start to build a list of times when they made mistakes, but then were able to overcome them.

And the truth is, as adults we know that once a mistake is made, it’s done. At that point, all the questioning and yelling and frustration in the world isn’t going to be able to undo it, so what’s the point? Questions, yelling, and frustration also don’t help our children to learn from their mistakes and feel confident that they can avoid them in the future, so we need to focus our efforts on not doing what we know doesn’t work, and change our approach to something more effective.

Here’s a quick plan for dealing with mistakes: demonstrate through your approach that mistakes aren’t the end of the world (i.e., avoid criticism and judgment), work together to find out where things went wrong and what could be done in the future to avoid the same mistake again, work together to find a solution to the current problem, and encourage your child to try again. Remember: the courage to be imperfect!

Who among us did not hear that as a kid?  And who finds themselves saying it to their own kids now?  Children can really wear you down, and some of them are more persistent than others — even after a reasonable “no”, they still keep harping and nagging until they break through your calm attitude and leave you barking these four words. 

The problem with “because I said so” is that it sends the message to the child that you don’t really care about his point of view, that when it really comes down to it, what he thinks and feels is not really important compared to what you want.  It makes it tough for him to take you seriously when you tell him that you want him to come to you with his problems or his desires, because he doesn’t really believe that you’ll listen to him anyway.

You may end up with compliance, at least for a little while, by using the “because I said so” strategy.  But in the long run you risk damaging your credibility when you tell your kids that what they think matters, you may set them up to be taken advantage of by authority figures, or they may get angry, secretly rebel, and stop concerning themselves about you and what you say.

This doesn’t mean that children should be allowed to do whatever they want.  As a parent, you have a legal and moral obligation to keep your kids safe and to look out for their best interests.  When it comes to issues of safety, legality, and morality, you need to reserve the right to limit your children’s activities.  But instead of just resorting to “because I said so”, let your kids know (in age appropriate terms, of course) what your concerns are and that if they can find a way to really address all of those concerns in a way you both feel good about, that you’ll reconsider.  (Barbara Coloroso describes this idea by using the phrase, “Convince me” with kids.)  This isn’t a blanket acceptance of what they’re doing or a suggestion that under any circumstances you should be forced into doing something or letting your kids do something you don’t feel comfortable with — it’s a way to teach critical thinking and problem solving skills that they’ll be able to use over and over again in their lives.  We need to practice these kinds of behaviours for them to become natural and second nature, and kids can’t go wrong with the ability to identify a problem, consider the options for overcoming the problem, and presenting these options to the involved parties.  And it keeps you out of the dog house in having to fight with your children over “because I said so” over and over again.

Did you know that, statistically, half of all divorces take place in the first seven years of marriage? Or put another way, if couples with children are going to divorce, they’ll do it before their children reach the age of five? Anyone who has had kids can understand why – it’s a time of major adjustment and upheaval, when your nice little life ceases to exist and a new one is created around a person who can’t do anything for him or herself. Even if you luck out and get an “easy” baby, there’s very little that’s easy about those first few years.

And with the focus so much on figuring out how this new little person is going to fit into your lives, it can be very tempting to put your marriage on the back burner. You both know how hard it is, so why put pressure on yourselves to focus on your marriage, too? Then, as the children get older and there are more logistics involved, it doesn’t take much to see that life gets easier when one of you takes one kid to soccer, while the other stays home and cooks dinner, or takes the other kids to their own soccer games.

But while this kind of task-sharing may keep things running as smoothly as possible, behind the scenes, you and your partner slowly start to become strangers. The glue that held you together isn’t as strong anymore, since you’re not seeing as much of one another (with your clothes or without). Becoming a parent changes you, both of you, until one day you realize that while your life has taken on a life of its own, your marriage has slowly, but definitely, drifted off track.

Even though this might not describe your situation exactly, you may be interested to know that most marriages don’t end for the big reasons we might assume. It’s not usually domestic violence or drug abuse that drive marriages apart; it’s more often simply that the two “fell out of love”.

That’s a real shame, because giving up on your marriage at this point robs you of the opportunity to get back to the love and passion you felt in the beginning of your relationship, once the adjustment periods are behind you and you’ve come to an awareness and acceptance about who you and your spouse really are. We’ve somehow come to believe that love should be easy, and that if it isn’t, we should stop wasting our time. But couples who have been together for many, many years will tell you that there are always periods that are hard, that it isn’t always easy. But what is? Only the quick-fixes tend to be easy; most of what we value in life and the things with real meaning are things we have to work for: our educations, our careers, our weights, our finances, our gardens…and our relationships.

Here’s another interesting statistic for you: it would appear that about 10% of couples who divorce get remarried…to each other (it’s a hard stat to pin down because no one has tracked that remarriage rate specifically, but that number would seem to be accurate, and somewhat conservative, if anything). That’s a lot of heartbreak and expense to learn that where you want to be is where you were.

Life is too short to be unhappy. The problem is, separating or divorcing is not always the path to happiness we think (and hope) it will be. If you are struggling in your marriage, are feeling fed up, lonely, or just worn out, don’t give up hope. Start by reconnecting, enjoying one another’s company, and spending time together. It’s a small step, yes, but a great start.

(I highly recommend the book The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis. I was so inspired by her approach and the success she has in working with couples, that I took her intensive training for therapists, so that I could help my own clients find the same kind of success and happiness. And one of the best things about her approach is that you don’t need a willing partner to make significant and important changes in marriage; you can create that ripple effect by seeking counselling and making changes yourself.)

Here’s to many more happy years together.

Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of our lives today, we can find ourselves pretty removed from the family that is so important to us. Here are 5 things you can do – today! – to improve your family life.

1. Respect: It’s the cornerstone of all healthy relationships. If we don’t respect our children, our partner, or ourselves, we teach our kids habits that will keep them from having fulfilling and healthy relationships throughout their lives.

2. Communication: If respect is the first cornerstone, communication is the second. But sometimes we let ourselves step around it because we think we’re too busy (or we’re afraid of what we might hear). It’s never too early, or too late, to teach our children the skill of effective communication.

3. Encourage: Focus on rewarding the effort and not the achievement, and watch your children flourish. They’ll tackle even more challenging tasks and be more willing to try new things when the pressure to perform is gone.

4. Make Quality Time: What your children want more than anything is to feel important to you. You can show them that they matter by really giving them your full attention, regardless of how much time you have.

5. Have Fun: Give yourself time to be spontaneous; don’t fill every waking moment with “to do’s” or scheduled activities.

Whatever the age of your children, they will only pass through this phase once. Savour each moment and resolve to make the most of this time with your family.

If you read the Toronto Star on the weekend (April 17), you may have seen an article titled “Hey Kids, Why Is Dad Taking Out The Trash?” by Andrea Gordon, in the Weekend Living Section.  It was a great article about why doing household chores is important for kids and the benefits they receive from pitching in.

I’ve mentioned before that I think getting children involved in running the house is very important, but here are some thoughts from the article that might catch your attention:

• A research study mentioned in the article, conducted in 2002 at the University of Minnesota by professor Marty Rossman, discovered that children “who began doing household tasks at an early age grew into more well-adjusted adults.”  The kids in her study who began doing chores in the youngest age group, which was preschool, were the most “responsible, confident, and able to take care of themselves in adulthood.”
• Other researchers completed a review of parenting magazines, dating back to 1925, in which they found that discussion of involving children in household chores dropped off in the 1980’s.

It’s interesting to note that the petering out of the topic of chores in parenting magazines coincides with the so-called “self esteem” movement in parenting.  This parenting approach suggested that the way to help kids have healthy self esteem was to praise and recognize them for everything they do.  The problem is, those kids are now young adults, and there has also been much discussion in the media about the flood of unprepared, pampered employees in the marketplace, who have their moms set up their job interviews and then negotiate their salaries on their behalf, and who feel they should be rewarded, or at least recognized, for arriving at work on time. 

But the funny thing is, these young adults aren’t any happier and they don’t feel any better about themselves than previous generations, despite the fact that they’ve been given every opportunity and had to work for little.  That really isn’t too surprising.  We gain true self esteem partly by feeling as though we can handle what comes our way, that we’re strong enough to overcome adversity, because we have past experience that shows us that we can take care of ourselves.  How can our children do that, though, if they’ve been shielded from pain or even from having to do less than pleasant tasks (such as take out the garbage)? 

When I ask parents what they hope for their children as adults, they generally say that they hope they’ll be responsible, independent adults (among other things).  Yet, as Ms. Gordon rightly points out in her article, “[Today's young adults] may have mastered martial arts and piano, but they can’t find the circuit breaker panel or figure out whether the two-week-old chicken in their fridge has gone bad.”  We aren’t doing our job properly if we aren’t teaching our children the self-sufficiency to take care of themselves, and allowing the opportunities for them to develop a track-record of overcoming challenges, without us always bailing them out.  Will your older children love the idea of doing chores?  Honestly, probably not.  But like brushing their teeth, eating their veggies, and getting a good night’s sleep, getting your kids to pitch in around the house is an investment now that pays back dividends for them later.

Patience is an elusive concept for parents. It can either be something we have (or don’t – as in, “I don’t have a lot of patience for that behaviour”), something we are (or aren’t – as in, “I’m not very patient with my kids”), or something that describes our personality (as in, “I’m not a very patient person”) . But, whatever it is, for most parents, it’s a lot like money: there’s just never enough to go around.

Is it possible to increase our patience? Absolutely. Our impatience springs from a series of thoughts and feelings that we have about a situation; if we change our thoughts and feelings, we can change our level of patience.

When something happens, we instantaneously judge it as being either good or bad. We decide that it’s a bad thing that milk was spilled on the floor or a good thing that our child brought home a report called filled with B’s, but these things are actually neutral in themselves. How we view them is what gives them their emotional charge. Once we’ve reached a conclusion about an event, we then have a feeling that is in line with our thought. If we decide that it’s good to earn B’s on a report card, we’ll feel happy/proud/ecstatic/celebratory or another positive emotion. But the opposite is also true; if we decide that it’s bad to spill milk, we’re more likely to feel impatient/angry/resentful or another negative emotion. Our impatience doesn’t come from nowhere, so the first thing we need to do in order to increase our patience is to become aware of how we assess these situations. The second thing is to not let our negative thoughts control how we respond.

Sometimes it’s our expectations, not our children, that lead us astray. At different times in their lives, it is developmentally appropriate, for example, for our children to refuse to cooperate, throw their food on the floor, insist on doing everything (or nothing) for themselves, and act out many other behaviours that range from annoying to obnoxious. The key to increasing our patience is to remind ourselves that this is a developmentally appropriate behaviour and not an attempt to drive us around the bend. If we can keep in mind that our children are not purposely pushing our buttons, it becomes easier to take a deep breath and ask ourselves, what do I want my child to learn from this situation? Because that’s what every interaction with our children is: an opportunity for them to learn. If we let our impatience get the best of us, we may, perhaps, inadvertently teach our children that we are likely to yell when they ask what to them seems to be a perfectly reasonable question. And if that’s the lesson, how quickly do you think they’ll decide just to stop asking questions altogether?

But what about those times when they really are pushing your buttons on purpose? These are still opportunities to teach and learn. How you handle these situations teaches your children more than just how to make your face turn purple. It also models for them how to handle frustration, disappointment, and anger. In these situations, look behind the behaviour for what is motivating it, and address that aspect first. If misbehaviour can be viewed as a misplaced attempt to fill a need your child has, remaining patient will be a key part of getting to its root, meeting the need in a healthy way, and avoiding the misbehaviour in the future.

When you start to see red, take a breath and ask yourself, how can I turn this situation into a positive opportunity for my child to learn? If we look at those experiences in our lives that cause us grief not as hassles or obstacles, but instead as tasks to be completed and lessons to be learned, it becomes easier and easier to increase our patience and become a more patient person. It’s all in the way we look at it.

A lot of focus is put on how important it is for Mom and Dad to be on the same parenting page — which is definitely important — but a more delicate situation can be when Mom and Dad don’t agree with how Grandma and Grandpa take care of the kids.  There’s a fine balance to be found between wanting our children to have great relationships with their grandparents, as well as the need or desire for (free) babysitting, and generational differences in how we parent.  While as a parent, you may expect a little more indulgence by Grandma and Grandpa, and a relaxing of some rules, but how do you handle letting your parents know about your safety concerns (after all, lots of us were raised without car seats or helmets) or issues they may not have much experience with (such as severe allergies)?

Our parents may have belonged to a generation that actively sought out the advise and input of their parents, and now that these parents are grandparents, it may be difficult for them to wrap their minds around the fact that we have different ways of doing things.  When you feel as though you’ve done a just fine job of raising your own children, it can be insulting or hurtful to spoken to in a way that suggest that you don’t have a clue what you’re doing, and as the parents in this dynamic, we need to remember that.  But there’s a balance to be had there, too, in the sense that grandparents also need to respect that they are not members three and four of this parenting team (unless that’s how you’ve structured your family…but if that’s the case, you probably haven’t read this far into the article…) and that unless they have serious concerns about their grandchild’s safety, they need to respect that this is how you are raising your kids. 

So how do you find that balance between wanting and needing to have grandparents in your children’s lives, and not fighting and arguing over what that’s going to look like? 

Keep the lines of communication open.  Let your parents know that while you don’t want to insult their intelligence or their parenting know-how, there are some aspects of safety or discipline that matter a great deal to you, and you’d feel much better knowing that everyone was in agreement on how these situations will be handled.  There has to be give and take both ways, so realize that there probably will be special “spoiling”, like extra treats and later bedtimes, but also be up-front about letting your parents know if, for some reason, these indulgences are not acceptable today (for example, your child is on a special diet, or you have a big day the next day and everyone needs to be well-rested).  Being clear and not making assumptions about what your parents know or will do, or need to know or need to do, will help to keep everyone’s frustrations at bay.

Often, the problem that parents and grandparents run into is not simply about rules not being followed, but about a lack of respect.  The issue of the excessive treats or the late bedtime may be annoying in itself, but grandparents have to be aware that these sorts of problems are often seen as merely the symptoms by parents — symptoms of the larger issue that their parenting style and choices are not being respected by the grandparents.  Have a conversation about the roles you see yourselves and your parents playing in your children’s lives, and come to an agreement on the stuff that’s not negotiable and how to demonstrate a level of mutual respect.  It may be difficult for the grandparents to learn how to redefine their role, especially if they had a different assumption than of you of what that role would be, but it’s important that you stay calm, be clear in your expectations, discuss issues as they arise, and work together to find solutions. 

If your parents provide some sort of regular support, whether that’s in babysitting or financial support, they may feel that they have a right to be involved in some of the decision-making when it comes to your children.  Learning how to let go of that expectation may not come overnight.  Keep the channels of communication open, be patient with one another, and keep in mind that, just maybe, they may have some advice or words of wisdom that will be just what you need to hear.

Here’s a thought from Jean-Yves Frappier, the head of the adolescent division at Sainte-Justine Hospital in Montreal and president of the Canadian Association for Adolescent Health, as quoted in Today’s Parent magazine a number of years ago: just when you thought that it was ok/necessary/unavoidable to be considered redundant by your teenagers, he has this to say:

I always compare parents to the while line one the highway.  You don’t always look at the line when it’s sunny, but if it’s dark and rainy, you look at that line to make sure you are on the right path.  That line is always there, always, always.

Fantastic!  What a great way to remind us that while the teen years may be challenging, giving up or assuming our kids don’t want us around is never the answer.  So what can you do instead?  I encourage parents to keep offering to do things with your teens, whether that’s go our for dinner or shopping or to a concert or special event or playing a game…or whatever.  Will they take you up on it?  Perhaps not.  But keep putting yourself out there, and letting your kids know you’re there for them.

Include all of your kids in decisions like family vacations, how to spend free time like school holidays, and the running of the house.  Cheer them on at their sporting events or recitals.  Keep t.v.’s and computers in central areas of your house (never let your child have a web cam in their rooms), and watch and discuss shows together.  Let them know that you love them and love having them in your family.

Here’s an interesting note for parents of teens: the teenage body wants to sleep for nine hours each night, but due to shifting circadian rhythms (the internal process that regulates sleepiness and wakefulness in us) it can be almost impossible for kids to fall asleep early enough to get the full amount of sleep that they need.

If you have a teen zombie on your hands, encourage him or her to go to bed nine hours before he or she has to wake up.  While there may not be any sleep happening, by encouraging quiet activities like reading, you’re still promoting a kind of rest.  Discourage computers or television after this time; the light emitted from the screens mimics the light of the sun when it hits our brains, and ironically sends a “time to wake up!” message, making it even harder to fall asleep.

So all this explains why teens are addicted to sleeping until noon on the weekends!  Turns out they’re just catching up, and it’s not such a bad thing.

Who do you trust for information about raising your children? Your doctor, your mom, your girlfriends, the internet? Who do you receive information and advice from (whether you want it or not)?

We live in the Information Age, and although that moniker is somewhat tired by now, it does adequately sum up what parents today are facing: a sometimes confusing and debilitating volume of information and helpful experts looking to guide us into making the “right” decisions for our families.

All of this input is not necessarily helpful. It’s easy to get not only overloaded with information, but also to start to lose our perspective when it comes to raising kids. It’s difficult not to bow to pressure and take someone else’s word for what’s happening with your children, even when your gut tells you that there’s more going on. It can be difficult to stand up to experts with education and experience, or to pursue a concern when everyone else is telling you not to worry about it.

But what if they’re wrong? How often have we received advice that sounded like it made sense on the surface, but we just knew that something wasn’t right? What might happen if we started to listen more to this gut feeling than to the “experts” in our lives?

We have all been gifted with a sense of knowing what’s right and what’s not. But we’re encouraged these days to trust others, to do what everyone else is doing, and to do what we’re told, even if it feels wrong. So the question is, is intuition redundant in parenting today? Have we completely lost our ability to follow our own instincts?

I don’t believe we have. Sometimes we are so desperate, so sleep-deprived, so anxious that we just want someone to tell us what to do. And that’s ok. We all need people to lean on at times. But a problem arises when we let that person talk us into something that we don’t believe in. The problem comes when we follow the advice of someone else against our better judgment. My hunch is that if we all quieted our fears and listened to what our intuition was telling us, we’d know whether that advice made sense for us and our family…or not. We would know if it was time to worry about the fact that our child hasn’t reached a certain milestone yet, or if it was appropriate to let our child walk home from school alone.

Too often we ask for advice because we know the answer, and we’re just looking for someone to validate what we already know to be true. We need to learn to rely more on our own experience and our own intuition, and to trust ourselves enough to let that be our guide.

You know your child best. If something doesn’t seem quite right, then you must pursue it. Even if it means that you have to see a number of professionals before you get an accurate and helpful diagnosis, or that you need to make some uncomfortable changes in your lifestyle in order to protect your family. Following your intuition is an investment in your family – and your mental health.

Then again, I’m just another person giving you advice. Listen to your intuition before you decide what to do.