You may or may not have already had "the talk" with your kids, your daughters in particular.  You may be avoiding it like the plague, you may feel that there’s no need because if your daughter needs information she’ll come to you, or you may be confident that you’ve got the kind of relationship with your daughter that’s open and healthy, and not much slips by you. 

Here’s the problem: regardless of how you would describe your experience or expectations in this area, there’s a good chance a lot is going on that you don’t know about.

Here are some facts to consider, from a recent survey:

• "Only 22 percent of mothers think their daughters are uncomfortable talking to them about sex, while 61 percent of girls say that, in fact, they are."
• "…the actual number of 15- to 18-year-olds in our survey having oral sex (30 percent) is double the number mothers know about, or even suspect…"
• "…46 percent of girls that age who’ve had intercourse didn’t tell their moms."
• "Seventy-eight percent of surveyed girls who are no longer virgins say they’ve had sex without using a condom, and 65 percent of them admit they lied about or hid it from their mothers."
• "…a sobering 56 percent of girls who are no longer virgins have had sex without any form of birth control: Sixty-six percent of these girls have kept that a secret from Mom."
• "Even among the few girls who had an abortion, many didn’t tell."
• "…only 4 percent of girls say their moms are the biggest influence on their attitudes toward sex."

Did anything there surprise you?

These statistics are direct quotes from an article by Liz Brody in O Magazine.  Here’s a link to the full article (I definitely recommend reading the whole thing).  The survey referred to is one that was conducted jointly with O Magazine and Seventeen Magazine, in which 1000 girls ages 15-22,  and 1000 moms of girls those ages, were surveyed. 

The words I would use to describe my reaction to this survey are distressed, saddened, and re-energized.  It’s time to take control of this topic within our own families, get educated ourselves, and open up a dialogue so that we can say with 100% confidence, that the results of this survey don’t reflect what’s happening with our kids.  Here are some resources from Oprah to get you started:

First of all, read the whole article.  Make sure you have accurate information in order to answer any questions she may have, learn from what’s worked (and not) from the moms interviewed, and decide what approach you’ll take with your daughter.

There’s also an online quiz you can take to determine how well you’ve been doing in this area with your own daughter.  It’s another great resource.

If you know that your daughter is thinking about having sex with her boyfriend, Dr Laura Berman, a sex therapist who has been a part of this discussion on Oprah’s show, has a list of questions to ask your daughter and her boyfriend before they go ahead with their plan.  You can find the questions here.

Dr Berman has also prepared a handbook for parents to talk to their kids about sex, regardless of their age.  It’s great — get it here.  And on that same page is a set of visual aids that you can use in your own talk, as well as a video of Dr Berman coaching a mom through the talk with her daughter. 

Take a deep breath.  You can do it!

Very interesting article today in the Toronto Star, about an Australian initiative to institute a mandatory Internet filter designed to keep porn away from kids and teens.  Interestingly (and sadly), a study cited in the article found that when these filters were set to their most restrictive levels, they blocked 24% of health information from reputable sites, such as those belonging to the government, but blocked only four percent of pornographic material.

While it would be reassuring to think that we could turn up the filter and relax knowing this material is out of reach, the software doesn’t seem to be there yet.  So what does a parent do in the meantime?  Continue to build that relationship with your kids, and become a source of quality information for them.  Be open to their questions, answer honestly and without panic or anger, and make suggestions for them as to where they can go to find the information they are looking for.  Uncomfortable?  Perhaps.  But probably less uncomfortable than the alternative.

I remember my first date with one of my first teenage boyfriends.  I remember where we went, what movie we saw, what he wore.  I also remember the names of all three of the friends who joined us.

Not much has changed.  It’s quite common now for teens to hang out in packs, then eventually settle down with a special someone.  But there may still be a "group" mentality when it comes to socializing.

And as painful as it may be for you as a parent, now is a good time to talk with them about sex.  Research shows that the more informed kids are about sex, the better their decision-making is.  It’s an important counter-point to all the misinformation out there being spread from friend to friend, and an important factor in withstanding the peer pressure to engage in sexual activities.

Encourage your teen to bring their friends — and significant others — over to hang out at your place.  It allows you to get to know all of them and to keep an eye on how the relationship is progressing.  Young romances are fine, but they shouldn’t be all-consuming.  If your teen is starting to hang out with his girlfriend to the exclusion of pretty much all other activities, including ones that he used to enjoy, you might want to chat with your teen about what’s happening in their relationship and find out what’s going on from his perspective. 

Parents often wonder when — and if — bringing up the subject of sex and birth control is appropriate.  Many parents worry that by opening the door to the subject, they are essentially giving the teen “permission” to have sex, when that is exactly not what parents want. 

In fact, research shows that the opposite is true.  The better informed teenagers are about sex, the less likely they are to engage in intercourse, and the more likely they are to use contraception when they do become sexually active.

So start that discussion with your kids, and let them know where you stand.  Tell them that their health and safety is of the utmost importance to you, and that while you want them to know what constitutes “safe sex”, having the discussion does not mean you advocate it during their teen years.  Have an open but relaxed conversation about your opinion, and let them know that you’ll be supportive if they come to you for advice.  Although you may not relish the idea of discussing sex with your teenagers, you can rest a little easier knowing that they are getting accurate information from a responsible and supportive person they can trust.