Kids develop fears.  It can start with separation anxiety as a toddler, become a fear of clowns as a preschooler, and continue to a fear of answering a question in class as a school-ager. 

About one in 30 children will develop a full-blown phobia, so they’re hardly uncommon, and they can develop at any age.  A fear is considered a phobia when it’s excessive and interferes with a person’s ability to function.  If your child has a fear of sharks, for example, you’ll probably find that she can get along just fine in the world.  But if she develops a phobia of elevators, or eating in a public place, or going to the doctor, that can become a problem that impacts how your family goes through life.

A good place to start is with your family doctor.  He or she can make some recommendations for treatment options and support if the fear is beginning to run your life.  But there’s also a lot you can do at home, too.  When I work with clients on overcoming phobias, we often do a desensitization process, where we break the fear down into smaller components.  Let’s say your son has a phobia around dogs.  Depending on the age of your child, you can talk with him about the different aspects of being around dogs and what of these aspects are scarier than others.  Let’s say that seeing a dog walking by outside, through the window, when you’re inside, is not very scary, and being in the same room with a dog is kind of scary, and petting a dog is very scary.  (There are probably lots of steps in between, but for our purposes, we’ll use those three.)  Then you can create some opportunities to start at the most manageable one, seeing a dog walk by outside, and practice that step.  Encourage your child and point out all the ways he’s doing well: staying calm, not anticipating the worst, recognizing that the dog can’t hurt him.

Over the course of time, you can then move on to the next step: being in the same room with a dog.  This could take weeks or months perhaps, and if your child shows signs of fear, then back off without blame or shame.  Only go as fast as your child can manage, and encourage his efforts along the way.  Continue to point out how far he’s come and the skills he’s used so far to help him continue to overcome his fear (what he’s telling himself, breathing deeply).  Keep moving along his list of scary steps until you, hopefully, eventually reach the end point and the phobia doesn’t seem so unmanageable anymore.

Avoidance is one of the worst things that can happen with a phobia or other anxiety; the more we think about how awful something is and the less exposure we have to it, it becomes more and more scary and insurmountable in our minds over time, until it can be completely overwhelming to face.  Gentle exposure to the phobia over the course of time, slowly and respectfully, discussed positively and in terms of what he’s been doing that is already working will help, even after a setback. Use your judgment to decide when it’s reached a point that you need to involve a professional, such as your doctor or a counsellor who specializes in working with children.

You may or may not have already had "the talk" with your kids, your daughters in particular.  You may be avoiding it like the plague, you may feel that there’s no need because if your daughter needs information she’ll come to you, or you may be confident that you’ve got the kind of relationship with your daughter that’s open and healthy, and not much slips by you. 

Here’s the problem: regardless of how you would describe your experience or expectations in this area, there’s a good chance a lot is going on that you don’t know about.

Here are some facts to consider, from a recent survey:

• "Only 22 percent of mothers think their daughters are uncomfortable talking to them about sex, while 61 percent of girls say that, in fact, they are."
• "…the actual number of 15- to 18-year-olds in our survey having oral sex (30 percent) is double the number mothers know about, or even suspect…"
• "…46 percent of girls that age who’ve had intercourse didn’t tell their moms."
• "Seventy-eight percent of surveyed girls who are no longer virgins say they’ve had sex without using a condom, and 65 percent of them admit they lied about or hid it from their mothers."
• "…a sobering 56 percent of girls who are no longer virgins have had sex without any form of birth control: Sixty-six percent of these girls have kept that a secret from Mom."
• "Even among the few girls who had an abortion, many didn’t tell."
• "…only 4 percent of girls say their moms are the biggest influence on their attitudes toward sex."

Did anything there surprise you?

These statistics are direct quotes from an article by Liz Brody in O Magazine.  Here’s a link to the full article (I definitely recommend reading the whole thing).  The survey referred to is one that was conducted jointly with O Magazine and Seventeen Magazine, in which 1000 girls ages 15-22,  and 1000 moms of girls those ages, were surveyed. 

The words I would use to describe my reaction to this survey are distressed, saddened, and re-energized.  It’s time to take control of this topic within our own families, get educated ourselves, and open up a dialogue so that we can say with 100% confidence, that the results of this survey don’t reflect what’s happening with our kids.  Here are some resources from Oprah to get you started:

First of all, read the whole article.  Make sure you have accurate information in order to answer any questions she may have, learn from what’s worked (and not) from the moms interviewed, and decide what approach you’ll take with your daughter.

There’s also an online quiz you can take to determine how well you’ve been doing in this area with your own daughter.  It’s another great resource.

If you know that your daughter is thinking about having sex with her boyfriend, Dr Laura Berman, a sex therapist who has been a part of this discussion on Oprah’s show, has a list of questions to ask your daughter and her boyfriend before they go ahead with their plan.  You can find the questions here.

Dr Berman has also prepared a handbook for parents to talk to their kids about sex, regardless of their age.  It’s great — get it here.  And on that same page is a set of visual aids that you can use in your own talk, as well as a video of Dr Berman coaching a mom through the talk with her daughter. 

Take a deep breath.  You can do it!