My friend Wendy just sent me the link to this article on the Parenting Pink web site, for parents of daughters, and it’s fantastic. And I don’t think you need to have a daughter to find these statements helpful — they’re great for sons, too. Great find, Wendy - thanks!
I always like to share good resources when I come across them, and this book, by Alyson Schafer, falls into the category of good resources. It’s a book about discipline, or, really, the four goals of misbehaviour. She’s broken down each of the goals into their own chapters, making this book one of the most thorough explorations of the topic of goals that I’ve come across. Like her first book, Breaking the Good Mom Myth, it’s written in a casual, easy to read style, that acknowledges that this is a messy, complicated situation, being a parent, and that lofty, theoretical tomes are not what you need when your kids refuse to stop jumping on the bed.
Her work is geared toward parents with kids up to age 10, and I think this is a great additional to your toolkit if you’ve got young kids. With its main focus on helping those discipline-resistant kids function peacefully within the family, as well as a chapter devoted to her favourite discipline tool, the family meeting, it’s a nice rounding-out of some of the tools and approaches that we often wish we had more how-to information on.
Anyone else read it?
One of the things that bug parents most is when kids are chronically forgetful. It can be hard to explain to them why what they keep forgetting matters so much, especially when, in their mind, they have lots more important things to use their brain-power for. One of the worst things a parent can do in these situations is to rescue their kids. If we are chronically running behind our kids, picking up their laundry, bringing their forgotten lunch to school, or dropping off last minute permission forms, there’s very little incentive for kids to mend their ways. Give kids an opportunity to experience the consequences by not swooping in to save them. Trust me, going without lunch or mittens one day is a much more effective reminder than the lecture you give them when you drop the forgotten items off at school.
This won’t turn around overnight. Notice and encourage progress, not perfection, and be patient with the learning curve. Ultimately, this is your child’s lesson to learn, so don’t take on too much responsibility for helping them succeed. You could offer suggestions or offer to brainstorm solutions together and help your child determine which strategy he’d like to try first, and then step back and give him the opportunity to try it. Share some of the strategies you use to keep on top of your own responsibilities, such as making lists and getting into the habit of checking them regularly, planning ahead, and creating routines. Some of us have better memories than others — that’s ok. By helping our kids learn how to play to their strengths and create strategies for overcoming their own personal hurdles, we’re teaching them how to succeed whether their memories are like steel traps or Swiss cheese.
Does that question make your kids clam up? Instead of asking a blanket question like this, try asking about a specific class, for example, or what they did during recess. Even that can make some kids feel put on the spot, though, so another angle to try is simply to talk about your own day and start a conversation. Getting the conversation flowing by sharing things that happened to you, and dropping the questions to them, is a great way to help your kids open up and talk about what happened during their own days.
Switching schools or classes in the middle of the school year can be hard for younger kids, especially when they don’t know anyone in the new place yet.
Work with the teacher to find out if there are any kids in the class who might be a good fit as a friend for your child, even if they haven’t really spent much time playing together yet. Invite the classmate over for a play date, then have some fun and interactive activities planned for them. Avoid watching tv or a movie, because there’s little time spent interacting while glued to the tube; aim for activities like crafts, games, or other structured activities that you can guide them through at first,then let them take over from there as they begin to hit their stride.
Consider registering your child for an activity or camp that fosters interaction, like Guides or Scouts, or a team sport. (An added bonus might be that you can increase your own social network, too — a friend commented that the best thing they had ever done for their social life as adults was sign their kids up for soccer, because now all of their friends were parents of kids on the team!) Don’t forget family activities and family friends who are the same age as your child, as an opportunity for your son or daughter to develop a sense of confidence when dealing with peers, that they can then take with them to the schoolyard.
Sometimes, there will be periods when your child doesn’t have anyone else to play with. For those in-between times, by spending time with your child yourself, you’re sending a clear message that s/he is definitely still someone worth being around. That’s also a critical booster for a young one’s self image and self esteem.
There was an article in the National Post today about a group of parents who are fighting their elementary school’s decision to hang punch cards around all of the kids’ necks, and reward the kids with a “punch” on the “card” if the kids are caught being good. The bottom line is that there is a Halloween party being planned, that only kids with a certain number of punches will be permitted to attend.
The concern of the parents is that in a school with relatively few behaviour problems to begin with, even the well-behaved students are so obsessed with getting holes in their cards, that it’s distracting them from their studies and leading some of them to come home in tears.
This is a perfect example of how de-motivating a rewards system can be.
While it seems on the surface as though this is a great way to motivate students to shape up, what it does is put undue pressure on them to conform to an external code of behaviour. It teaches them nothing about behaving ethically for the sake of being a well-behaved child or because it’s the right thing to do. Instead, it teaches them that they deserve to be rewarded for doing the right thing.
And while some parents will say, hey, that’s the way the world works - you don’t get paid if you don’t do a good job and you don’t get good marks if you don’t study, I don’t see these things as being the same. Occasionally people are singled out for their heroic or “Good Samaritan” behaviour, but more often than not, we as adults are put into a position where we need to “do the right thing” simply because our inner compass tells us it’s what we should do, not because there’s a bonus for being a good person.
So where does that leave the kids at this elementary school in Kingston?
The principal reports that the punch card system was designed based on parent feedback, which, frankly, doesn’t entirely surprise me. The number of kids and parents I see who believe that any good turn deserves a reward, is shockingly high. (As are the number of entitled kids I see, but I’ll leave you to make a connection between the two, if you see one.) The principal also likened this program to the Air Miles: you are welcome to participate if you want to, but there is no punishment for not participating. The protesting parents disagree, and I see their point. This isn’t something like a fundraising contest, where you can throw your hat in the ring or not; this is a school-wide, holiday-based group of activities that well-behaved kids are being excluded from because of politics. A good kid, who behaves appropriately in class and at school in general, gets so worked up about meeting the required quota of holes that he’s coming home in tears, is told by his mom to withdraw from the program, knowing that means he will not be eligible to participate in Halloween activities, even though nothing in his behaviour — except the lack of participating in the punch card program — would suggest that he does not deserve to be there. Not exactly a punishment, perhaps, but how do you think that kids sees it? “Damned if I do, and damned if I don’t” would be my guess. What kind of lesson is that to teach?
If you happen to be a teacher at this school (Monsigneur Remi-Gaulin), I’d encourage you to pick up a copy of the book Positive Discipline in the Classroom by Jane Nelsen, for some ideas on how to motivate your students, cut down on the need for you as a teacher to be a disciplinarian, and get back to the stuff you love about teaching.
We need to be very careful about winning the battle (good behaviour) at the expense of the war (an internal sense of conscience and morality that will serve them throughout their lives).
Now that we’re back into the routine of school, I thought I might offer a few suggestions on how to have the best relationship possible with your child’s teacher. Too often teachers complain that when they approach a parent with a concern about a child, the parent leaps to their child’s defence without really understanding the full scope of the situation, which leads to an adversarial relationship with the teacher. Not good. You and the teachers are on the same side — that which is best for your child — and although you may not agree on what that is, there’s no point in taking it personally or attacking one another. To have a productive relationship with your child’s teacher, even if we don’t particularly like the teacher, we need to keep the big picture in mind and what’s really best for our kid, not what soothes our bruised ego or allows us to hide from the truth just that much longer.
Make sure you find an opportunity to introduce yourself to your child’s teacher, and make a point of attending as many parent-teacher meetings as possible. If possible, you might want to ask if your child can attend the meeting, too, so that s/he has a chance to see you and the teacher working together. Stay involved with the school by reading all materials that are sent home, and volunteer if you are able.
Remember that we don’t teach kids independence and responsibility by doing too much for them. Part of the learning objectives are to foster routines and responsibility, so it’s important for parents to support them at home, too.
Perhaps you noticed the article in the Toronto Star in Saturday’s paper, titled “Keeping Work at School”. It highlights a Barrie elementary school, Prince of Wales Public School, which has banned homework. The decision was motivated partly to help less affluent students keep from falling further behind. Questions were raised about the equity of sending homework home when teachers know that only some of the students have parental support, a home computer from which to work, or both. Is it fair to penalize a poor student for not completing a homework assignment when she has to go home and take care of younger siblings, at the expense of her homework? Sometimes teachers are not entirely sure who has actually completed the work (raise your hand if you’ve ever “helped” your child with an assignment…or two) — in today’s competitive society, it can be tough for parents to sit back and allow kids to fumble through a tough assignment or not lend a bit too much expertise.
The other factor is that a growing body of research is finding that “homework does not improve achievement in elementary school”, in the words of the article’s author, Kristin Rushowy. Shocking, I know. We’ve all been conditioned to believe that we learn secondary skills such as planning, organization, and time management through homework, not to mention the practical benefits of practice of skills. But it really does appear that those benefits are really only enjoyed (you know what I mean) by older students. And even then, studies are demonstrating that the benefit drops off if high school students are completing more than a couple of hours a night of homework.
One Canadian study cited in the article even found a link between homework and marital stress!
The teachers at Prince of Wales school have found that, since banning homework, grades have not changed…except in some cases, where they’ve gone up. The principal attributes that to an increased focus on discovering how each student learns best, in order to maximize the in-class time.
Yay! I don’t mind admitting that I think this is a superb idea. The competitive nature of our society is having a serious impact on the stress level of our kids. How many of our kids just go out to play after school? How many have a friend who is also free that they can play with? Even play dates are scheduled, and homework time is a regularly scheduled time of every evening. Creative play time is as essential for a child’s development as structured learning time, and we need to learn how to give our kids both. (Then we need to learn how to do it for ourselves, but that’s another story.) And why are we wasting precious energy on something that has been proven to have no practical benefits?
Interested in knowing some of the “homework” assignments Prince of Wales teachers might assign these days? Take a look at these examples: