If there were a 12-step program for television, my daughter would be a prime candidate. Given the opportunity, she would watch the tube most of the day. There are very few things she’d rather do than watch a movie or TVOKids. Of course, this isn’t a new or unique problem. Rudolph Dreikurs, author of the classic parenting book Children: The Challenge devoted a whole chapter to “meeting the challenge of tv”. He discussed the perils of “passive” entertainment and the amount of poor quality programming, or “trash”, that’s on the air. Mealtimes, bedtimes, and family time have all been disrupted, he writes, leading to fighting and tension at home.

His book, by the way, was written in 1964. Apparently, not much has changed.

One of the things that has changed is that there is without question a better selection of quality kids’ programs on television today. While there certainly still is an awful lot of junk being broadcast today, it can be easier as a parent to relax about tv watching these days because of shows that emphasize reading and vocabulary, social skills, physical fitness, and cultural awareness. But most of us have to admit that our kids watch more television than they “should” or that it has sometimes taken on the role of electronic babysitter.

As parents, we might react to this situation by feeling as though we need to do something to manage the tv situation. But in reality, it is a family problem, and can be more effectively resolved by the family as a whole. This is a great discussion for a family meeting: how much television is appropriate, what shows are appropriate, how do we balance television with responsibilities such as homework, chores, and bedtimes. Instead of Mom or Dad being the heavy who lays down the law, Dreikurs suggests that when a problem or a conflict arises, the question the parent asks is, “What is to be done now?”, putting the onus back on the child to participate in finding a solution.

He also makes some good points about fighting with our kids over what they can and can’t watch. As soon as we ban a particular program, that’s all our kids can think about. They may not be able to watch it when we’re home, but there are increasingly more and more avenues to watch programs, outside of the family room television. This is a great opportunity to help your children develop critical thinking skills. Watch some of these questionable shows with your kids, then have a discussion afterward: What did you think of that? Did you agree with the choices that were made? How do you think the others felt? What else do you think they could have done? This is not an opportunity to “correct” the thinking of our kids, but to ask them some open-ended questions and let them consider some new ways of looking at the situation. If you think the show is so extremely inappropriate that you can’t even bear the thought of sitting together and allowing your kids to watch even one episode, discuss the show instead. Remember, anything that is banned becomes just that much more appealing and there’s a good chance they’ll find a way to watch it anyway, so this is a good opportunity to demystify the show and remove the “charge” from the situation. If television isn’t the source of a power struggle, it often becomes less and less of a big deal, and less and less interesting.

Because the reality is that television is only as important as we make it. Remember my daughter the junkie? There’s only one thing she has a greater addiction to than the tube: spending time with her family. She will cheerfully run off and leave the tv forgotten for a chance to go with us to the park, to the store, to the kitchen to do some baking. As always, the most potent force in a child’s life is not the lure of hours of channel surfing, but the undivided attention of her family.

I came across this great web site of Rob Nickel’s, who is a former OPP detective and is currently a world-renowned expert on cyber safety.  This link takes you straight to his Tips for Parents page, which has a lot of important information about keeping our kids safe online.  Here are some highlights:

• always have your computer in a public place in the house, not your child’s bedroom
• teach them never to meet an online friend offline unless you are with them
• make sure your kids are comfortable coming to you and that you don’t overreact when there’s a problem
• encourage discussions between you and your kids about what they enjoy online
• warn them that people aren’t always who they say they are online, and that people they chat with are not their friends, just people they chat with
• discuss and agree to Internet rules
• teach them never to give out personal information

This is just a snapshot of some of what Rob shares; it’s worth taking a closer look at.  And while you’re there, you have the opportunity to sign a petition to have the sex offender registry made public, which would all us to know if a sex offender lives in our neighbourhood.  Currently only police have access to this information — but wouldn’t you want to know if your child shares his or her neighbourhood with someone who has a history of sexual offences, especially since child molesters, of all sexual offenders, are the most likely to re-offend?  If this is information you’d want to have access to, this petition is a great place to start.

You may or may not have already had "the talk" with your kids, your daughters in particular.  You may be avoiding it like the plague, you may feel that there’s no need because if your daughter needs information she’ll come to you, or you may be confident that you’ve got the kind of relationship with your daughter that’s open and healthy, and not much slips by you. 

Here’s the problem: regardless of how you would describe your experience or expectations in this area, there’s a good chance a lot is going on that you don’t know about.

Here are some facts to consider, from a recent survey:

• "Only 22 percent of mothers think their daughters are uncomfortable talking to them about sex, while 61 percent of girls say that, in fact, they are."
• "…the actual number of 15- to 18-year-olds in our survey having oral sex (30 percent) is double the number mothers know about, or even suspect…"
• "…46 percent of girls that age who’ve had intercourse didn’t tell their moms."
• "Seventy-eight percent of surveyed girls who are no longer virgins say they’ve had sex without using a condom, and 65 percent of them admit they lied about or hid it from their mothers."
• "…a sobering 56 percent of girls who are no longer virgins have had sex without any form of birth control: Sixty-six percent of these girls have kept that a secret from Mom."
• "Even among the few girls who had an abortion, many didn’t tell."
• "…only 4 percent of girls say their moms are the biggest influence on their attitudes toward sex."

Did anything there surprise you?

These statistics are direct quotes from an article by Liz Brody in O Magazine.  Here’s a link to the full article (I definitely recommend reading the whole thing).  The survey referred to is one that was conducted jointly with O Magazine and Seventeen Magazine, in which 1000 girls ages 15-22,  and 1000 moms of girls those ages, were surveyed. 

The words I would use to describe my reaction to this survey are distressed, saddened, and re-energized.  It’s time to take control of this topic within our own families, get educated ourselves, and open up a dialogue so that we can say with 100% confidence, that the results of this survey don’t reflect what’s happening with our kids.  Here are some resources from Oprah to get you started:

First of all, read the whole article.  Make sure you have accurate information in order to answer any questions she may have, learn from what’s worked (and not) from the moms interviewed, and decide what approach you’ll take with your daughter.

There’s also an online quiz you can take to determine how well you’ve been doing in this area with your own daughter.  It’s another great resource.

If you know that your daughter is thinking about having sex with her boyfriend, Dr Laura Berman, a sex therapist who has been a part of this discussion on Oprah’s show, has a list of questions to ask your daughter and her boyfriend before they go ahead with their plan.  You can find the questions here.

Dr Berman has also prepared a handbook for parents to talk to their kids about sex, regardless of their age.  It’s great — get it here.  And on that same page is a set of visual aids that you can use in your own talk, as well as a video of Dr Berman coaching a mom through the talk with her daughter. 

Take a deep breath.  You can do it!

As a culture, we assume that the teen years are going to be tough on parents. Between Girls Gone Wild and a sudden lack of communication, we expect problems. We don’t like the thought of having problems, but we feel realistic enough to expect them.

This can sometimes blind us to the opportunities, though. Yes, this is a time of change and experimentation for kids, when they learn more about themselves as individuals, separate from their parents. Yes, it’s a time of new challenges, like dating, post-secondary school, and part-time jobs – things that as parents of younger kids we didn’t have to handle. But it doesn’t have to be a time of door slamming, rebellion, and defiance. Situations involving drama and trauma to the family exist and they’re very painful, but we’re doing ourselves and our kids a disservice if we expect them to be a rite of passage. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy: we’re looking for signs of trouble, so we find them.

Study after study has shown that teenagers want their parents in their lives, that they value their relationship with their parents, that teens who have involved parents do better in school, and that they enjoy spending time with their parents. Admittedly, they might not enjoy spending Saturday night with their parents when they could be out with their friends, but in general, they appreciate and enjoy the time spent as a family. The problem is that we have an assumption that they aren’t interested. Attitude can play an important role here. If we assume that our kids don’t want to have anything to do with us, we behave in a way that sends a subtle message that is picked up by our kids as our disinterest in them or our view that we wouldn’t understand that they do want to spend time with us. Kids of any age are extremely sensitive to how they feel they are being perceived, and if they sense a perception that they are inherently troublesome or untrustworthy, they’ll behave accordingly. But if we assume that they are capable and that they want to be included in the family, at least sometimes, there is a subtle shift that takes place, one that kids pick up on and react to. Even if they don’t want to accept every single time, they take comfort in knowing that the invitation is always there.

A lot of people have a lot of theories about human development. In the mid-20^th century, one of these experts put forward the idea that teens need to break away from their parents in order to create their own identities, which would then allow them to reconnect with their parents as adults. This theory has maintained its position in popular thought, despite the fact that it doesn’t appear to be rooted in fact. Studies consistently show that parents matter more to teenagers than this theory would suggest. And if this seems hard to imagine, ask one. Pick a teenager in your life (I would suggest not your own, because it will probably put your kids in a position that they would rather avoid), and ask how important their parents are to them. They will usually say things such as their parents are the most important people to them, that they enjoy spending time with their parents, that they think highly of their parents, or that their opinion matters.

Teenagers need the same things from their parents that they did throughout their childhood: someone to be in their corner – to provide them with a safe place to fall when times are tough and a source of strength for going out into the world as they develop their own confidence. This looks different depending on whether you’re parenting a toddler or a teenager. When your kids are teens, it may mean not taking their behaviour personally, and being a role model for them in how to handle conflict without shutting the other person out. Remember that mantra that was so helpful in disciplining your toddler: love the kid, even if you don’t love the behaviour? That’s the same mantra that will be helpful again (or still) now that your kids are older. It’s possible to be unhappy over a thoughtless comment or broken promise, while at the same time still sending the message that you love and accept your child.

And when the going gets tough, keep in mind that teenagers are particularly concerned with saving face. When you put your foot down about something, you may get a lot of static for it, but your teens may quietly be able to see your point or even agree with you. You might be surprised to learn that despite the ensuing tantrum, they are secretly relieved to not be able to go to that party or get involved in an activity that they’re not comfortable with. You just may be giving them the excuse that allows them to get out of the situation without having to live through the embarrassment of telling their friends they’re uncomfortable. Don’t expect gratitude when you deny a request to go a co-ed sleep over, but just take comfort in knowing that there’s a possibility your kids get it.

I saw a fridge magnet that said, “If raising kids was meant to be easy, it wouldn’t start with something called Labour.” Even in the best of relationships a little rain must fall, so it won’t always be easy being a parent. But don’t set yourself up for even more trouble by assuming that the teen years are a black hole of yelling, tantrums, defiance, and thoughtlessness. We want to approach the teen years with positive expectation, anticipation, and the belief that whatever happens, we have the ability to work together as a family to overcome it.

Sleep-overs are an important rite of passage for teens and pre-teens.  But any parent who’s ever hosted one will tell you that the potential for disaster (spills and messes, hurt feelings, mischief and trouble) is very high.  Work with your kids to pick the guest list carefully.  Keeping the guest list under control will not only mean that you probably won’t have to worry about finding space for everyone to spread their sleeping bag, and it will also help to minimize personality conflicts between guests.  There are no hard and fast rules — some people suggest limiting the number of guests to the number of years in your child’s age.  But if you have a ten year old, or a 12 year old, the thought of having that many kids over to your house might very well make your head spin around.  Base your guest limit on your child’s maturity level, experience with slumber parties, and how well you know the kids involved.  Nothing’s worse than having a child invited to your house to sleep over, who then gets excluded and teased all night.

Depending on the age of the kids, you may be in charge of organizing games and activities, or you may not.  Regardless, checking in on everyone occasionally is a must.  Some groups will require more supervision than others, of course, so gauge your involvement level as needed.

You probably have a vision as to how the night is going to unfold.  This may include ground rules and absolute no-no’s.  Share these expectations with your pint sized host before the guests arrive.  Setting an expectation of how long noise is acceptable for, what time you expect "lights out" to be, and where in the house the guests are allowed to roam should all be agreed upon before the exciting event starts.

Or, if all of this just seems too much to wrap your mind around, consider what my cousin did for her daughter: host an "almost" sleep over.  Her daughter and friends were just old enough to want a sleep-over, but just young enough that the idea of sleeping away from Mom and Dad was a bit scary, and my cousin wasn’t up for consoling and reassuring all night.  So she invited her daughter’s friends to come over in the early evening in the their pj’s, and they played a few games, made their own pizzas, had cake and junk food, then everyone was picked up and taken home right before bed time.  A big success!  The sleep- over without the pretence or expectation of sleep: perfect.

I think every parent wants to raise a polite child.  Sometimes how that is defined varies from family to family, but overall, there are some things that we have as a culture generally decided are rude.  One of those things is when a child doesn’t answer or mumbles when spoken to by an adult.  This can be a tough one for shy kids, but it’s an important lesson, not only in manners, but also in making friends, developing relationships, and if not being comfortable, then at least being able to function in new situations.

The three basics that you can focus on with your kids are making eye contact, smiling, and saying hello.  Of those three, eye contact may be the most intimidating, but encourage your kids to at least look at the person they’re speaking to, even if they’re actually looking at their eyebrows instead of their eyes.

The other part of a being a good conversationalist is avoiding yes-or-no responses. If someone asks your child about a hobby or sport he’s involved in, help him to think about things that he can say to keep the conversation going himself.  It might be to mention an aspect of the sport that he really loves, or an achievement he and/or his team have recently reached, or an interesting fact about what he’s doing.  This helps kids to feel as though they are an equal member of the conversation and that they have something valuable to contribute to the discussion.

Starting out with a few conversation basics is a valuable investment in your child’s social confidence and skill, regardless of how old — or shy — he may be.  Letting your kids off the hook because they don’t enjoy or feel uncomfortable with this kind of conversation doesn’t do them any favours, nor does answering for them or making excuses about why they can’t look at a person when they’re speaking to them.  These are valuable skills we all need to have to succeed socially, as children and as adults, and a little bit of training and coaching now can ease the discomfort kids may be feeling today and avoid continued discomfort as they age.

Most of us are familiar with separation anxiety as it relates to infants and toddlers, but what do you do if your middle-school kid or teenager still has a fear of being away from home or away from you?

Our first reaction is often to try and talk our kids out of their fears.  Explaining to them why there’s no need to be concerned or that they need to grow up and just get over it, though, usually do very little to reassure them that they have nothing to be concerned about.  Assuming that there is no history of trauma when separated from parents, this may be more of an irrational fear than a rational one, and trying to rationalize an irrational fear doesn’t usually produce much success.

A more effective strategy is to really listen to what’s bothering your child, then work together to come up with some strategies to cope with and eventually overcome these fears.  Take small steps, provide reassurance along the way, and create a backup plan in case things get too stressful.  Let your child know that you don’t mind coming to pick her up in the wee hours of the morning if needed, or driving two hours to bring him home from camp if he’s too unhappy.  Build on small successes, don’t try to minimize or talk your kids out of their fears, and plan ahead — these actions will all help your kids to overcome their fears of being away from home.

When I was in high school, the cafeteria was unofficially sectioned off into groups, with members of a certain group sitting in the same area or at the same table every day.  One of those groups where the Goths, or kids who dressed in black, had an interest in things like Satanism, the occult, or vampires, and who generally tried to look threatening and intimidating, even if they weren’t actually unfriendly all the time.  This kind of behaviour can alarm parents to no end.  The good news is that even when kids start dying their hair black, tossing any clothes that aren’t black, and invite their friends over to use the Ouija board, generally, the kids are all right.  If your child starts to show signs of depression, changes his or her group of friends radically, or becomes very secretive about what s/he’s doing with friends, those are signs for concern.

Black hair, black clothes, annoying music, an interest in vampires?  Probably not, in and of themselves, a sign of impending problems.  Just keep the conversation open with your kids about what and whom they may be talking to on the Internet as they search for more information about their new hobby — some of the people online who are involved in these sorts of activities can be pretty dark and these are sites are not necessarily a great place for a teenager to spend time.

If things are generally ok at home, your teen is generally doing well at school, continues to bring friends around, and your instinct is telling you that it’s just a (annoying, perhaps) phase, then trust that.  Hair will grow back, new clothes can be bought, and taste in music and books can change.  It’s just another way for kids to assert their growing autonomy…with the added bonus of driving their parents crazy at the same time.

There was a very interesting article by Zosia Bielski in the Globe and Mail on Monday about all of the new high-tech gadgets parents can get to keep an eye on their kids.  Here are some of the options the author discusses:

If you’re still snooping on your teen through Facebook, you’re hopelessly out of touch. Tech-savvy parents are taking advantage of a slew of new surveillance gadgets to control almost anything their teens try to do, from driving while texting, to going haywire with the debit card at the mall, to more troubling deeds like "sexting."

Today, Discover is launching the Current Card, which lets parents control their teens’ spending by limiting how and where the card can be used. Online, parents can keep track of every transaction as it happens.

Zoombak’s Universal A-GPS locator, which will be available in Canada later this year, lets users set up "custom safety zones" around any location including homes, parks, malls and schools. When the device crosses one of the virtual boundaries, a text message alerts the parents.

Surveillance has also extended into the car. In October, Ford launched MyKey, which lets parents control how fast their child can drive and how loud the music blares. It can also be programmed to chime until the driver puts on a seatbelt. Last month, Dallas-based WQN introduced software that can disable a cellphone while its owner is driving.

This fall, Canadian software company Aegis Mobility will launch its DriveAssist system, which will not only disable the cellphone, but will also send a message to callers or texters saying the person they are trying to reach is busy driving.

Perhaps this makes us pine for the days of our childhood when we needed a quarter to make a call and there was no such thing as texting.  Or perhaps we see it as a necessary evil in order to make sure that we’re keeping one step ahead of the predators who would do our kids harm, whether they’re in chat rooms or in the seat next to our child in the classroom.  The article sparked a number of (occasionally heated) comments from readers on the Globe site, arguing for both sides of the privacy issue.  Some parents feel "my house, my right" and others felt that invading your child’s privacy this way just results in kids feeling as though their parents assume they are untrustworthy and encourages them to be sneaky .

One problem with this kind of surveillance is that while it creates a sense of security for the parents, it keeps kids from being in a position to make their own decisions, which can catch up with them later in life.  I’m not advocating a complete "do what you want, it’s your life" attitude toward our children, just that we have to balance their safety needs with their needs to develop critical thinking and problem solving skills.   

I see a lot of this coming back to the sense of entitlement we have inadvertently created with our kids.  We pay for the cell phone, then we pay for monitoring software because we want to know what’s going on.  The article mentions a debit card with a pre-set limit because we want to teach them "financial responsibility" — but ultimately, they have access to money we’ve earned, not their own money.  When we give our kids too much, we really do teach them to expect that they can have their cake and eat it too, to constantly push against and test the strength of the boundaries we have created, instead of teaching them to self-monitor and develop a sense of responsibility of their own. 

If giving your child a coat with a GPS sewn into it makes you feel better, or if having copies of the texts your teen receives on his or her cell phone helps you to sleep better at night, then definitely go for it.  Just make sure that you’ve found the best way to help yourself sleep while also sending important messages about trust and responsibility.  Privacy is a big issue for kids, and once you’ve crossed that line into being considered a "snoop", it can be difficult to be maintain a position of also being someone your kids can talk to about anything.  Look for the balance between monitoring everything they do and letting them do whatever they want, and you’ll both feel better.

Kids like to talk on the phone.  As a parent, it can be tough to get a word in edge-wise.  With the proliferation of cell phones, some of this stress may have been eased…only to be replaced by a new kind of stress when the cell bill arrives.

The (almost) endless chitchatting provides an important connection to kids’ social world; until they are able to drive themselves to friends’ houses or even walk there alone, talking by phone is the next best thing to help them stay in touch.  And we all know how important kids’ friends are to them.

If you’re finding that your calls aren’t getting through, or homework and other responsibilities are starting to suffer because of the amount of talk time your child is engaging in, this is a good opportunity to use the family meeting.  Have a conversation at your meeting about what’s fair and reasonable use of the phone, and work together to set boundaries. 

As long as all responsibilities are being met, you might not be worried about the actual number of minutes on the phone.  But if not sharing or abandonment of the outside world is starting to become the norm, perhaps it’s time to voice your concerns and work as a team to come up with an acceptable plan.

You might consider call limits (such as no more than 20 minutes per call).  Or perhaps there’s a “curfew”, as in no calls past 9 or 10pm.  Maybe you don’t worry too much about the length or frequency of the calls, as long as you know that the call waiting is answered and calls for you are a sign to hand the phone to you.

This is a great opportunity to teach kids about respect and community living, as well as problem solving.  If everyone in the house has a right to use the phone, then it’s important that the right be respected by finding a solution everyone can live with.