Nobody’s perfect; we all know that. But it would appear that the best way to motivate children and get them to modify their behaviour is by paying less attention to their mistakes, not more. Research consistently shows that by focusing on what we’d like to see kids do, instead of what we’d like to see them do less of or stop doing altogether, we will not only get the behaviour results we want, but that they’ll also feel better about themselves and us.

The struggle for parents is that we tend to notice the mistakes so much more efficiently than the stuff that’s going well. I read somewhere that one of the reasons that “no” is so often a word that toddlers say is because as they’re learning language, it’s one of the words they hear most often. I don’t know if it’s possible to prove that one way or the other, but it is worth considering. How often do we say “no” to our children? Or put another way, how often is our attention and focus on the negative, rather than the positive?

Mistakes are hard to avoid. Sometimes we can’t even know that we’ve made a mistake until we’ve tried it out and taken a look at the results we got. We need to instil in our children that mistakes are fine, that we all make mistakes, and that there are very few mistakes that lead to truly disastrous consequences. What matters more than avoiding mistakes is gaining the courage to be imperfect, as Rudolph Dreikurs would say. Children need to develop the internal strength to acknowledge their mistakes, and move forward from them.

While our initial reaction may be to spend a great deal of time focusing on the events and decisions that lead up to the mistake (“What were you thinking?”, “Why would you do that?”, “What have you done?”, “Didn’t I just tell you to be careful?”), that will get us nowhere. We tend to believe that punishment is the best way to discourage a certain behaviour, but research consistently proves that to be a false belief – and perhaps you’ve noticed as much in your own household.

What works better is focusing on where to go from here, and what we do now that the mistake has been made. Looking at what can be done now gives our kids concrete solutions that they can act on to overcome feelings of guilt, shame, or embarrassment, and it helps them to develop the courage to try again. They start to build a list of times when they made mistakes, but then were able to overcome them.

And the truth is, as adults we know that once a mistake is made, it’s done. At that point, all the questioning and yelling and frustration in the world isn’t going to be able to undo it, so what’s the point? Questions, yelling, and frustration also don’t help our children to learn from their mistakes and feel confident that they can avoid them in the future, so we need to focus our efforts on not doing what we know doesn’t work, and change our approach to something more effective.

Here’s a quick plan for dealing with mistakes: demonstrate through your approach that mistakes aren’t the end of the world (i.e., avoid criticism and judgment), work together to find out where things went wrong and what could be done in the future to avoid the same mistake again, work together to find a solution to the current problem, and encourage your child to try again. Remember: the courage to be imperfect!

Who among us did not hear that as a kid?  And who finds themselves saying it to their own kids now?  Children can really wear you down, and some of them are more persistent than others — even after a reasonable “no”, they still keep harping and nagging until they break through your calm attitude and leave you barking these four words. 

The problem with “because I said so” is that it sends the message to the child that you don’t really care about his point of view, that when it really comes down to it, what he thinks and feels is not really important compared to what you want.  It makes it tough for him to take you seriously when you tell him that you want him to come to you with his problems or his desires, because he doesn’t really believe that you’ll listen to him anyway.

You may end up with compliance, at least for a little while, by using the “because I said so” strategy.  But in the long run you risk damaging your credibility when you tell your kids that what they think matters, you may set them up to be taken advantage of by authority figures, or they may get angry, secretly rebel, and stop concerning themselves about you and what you say.

This doesn’t mean that children should be allowed to do whatever they want.  As a parent, you have a legal and moral obligation to keep your kids safe and to look out for their best interests.  When it comes to issues of safety, legality, and morality, you need to reserve the right to limit your children’s activities.  But instead of just resorting to “because I said so”, let your kids know (in age appropriate terms, of course) what your concerns are and that if they can find a way to really address all of those concerns in a way you both feel good about, that you’ll reconsider.  (Barbara Coloroso describes this idea by using the phrase, “Convince me” with kids.)  This isn’t a blanket acceptance of what they’re doing or a suggestion that under any circumstances you should be forced into doing something or letting your kids do something you don’t feel comfortable with — it’s a way to teach critical thinking and problem solving skills that they’ll be able to use over and over again in their lives.  We need to practice these kinds of behaviours for them to become natural and second nature, and kids can’t go wrong with the ability to identify a problem, consider the options for overcoming the problem, and presenting these options to the involved parties.  And it keeps you out of the dog house in having to fight with your children over “because I said so” over and over again.

If you read the Toronto Star on the weekend (April 17), you may have seen an article titled “Hey Kids, Why Is Dad Taking Out The Trash?” by Andrea Gordon, in the Weekend Living Section.  It was a great article about why doing household chores is important for kids and the benefits they receive from pitching in.

I’ve mentioned before that I think getting children involved in running the house is very important, but here are some thoughts from the article that might catch your attention:

• A research study mentioned in the article, conducted in 2002 at the University of Minnesota by professor Marty Rossman, discovered that children “who began doing household tasks at an early age grew into more well-adjusted adults.”  The kids in her study who began doing chores in the youngest age group, which was preschool, were the most “responsible, confident, and able to take care of themselves in adulthood.”
• Other researchers completed a review of parenting magazines, dating back to 1925, in which they found that discussion of involving children in household chores dropped off in the 1980’s.

It’s interesting to note that the petering out of the topic of chores in parenting magazines coincides with the so-called “self esteem” movement in parenting.  This parenting approach suggested that the way to help kids have healthy self esteem was to praise and recognize them for everything they do.  The problem is, those kids are now young adults, and there has also been much discussion in the media about the flood of unprepared, pampered employees in the marketplace, who have their moms set up their job interviews and then negotiate their salaries on their behalf, and who feel they should be rewarded, or at least recognized, for arriving at work on time. 

But the funny thing is, these young adults aren’t any happier and they don’t feel any better about themselves than previous generations, despite the fact that they’ve been given every opportunity and had to work for little.  That really isn’t too surprising.  We gain true self esteem partly by feeling as though we can handle what comes our way, that we’re strong enough to overcome adversity, because we have past experience that shows us that we can take care of ourselves.  How can our children do that, though, if they’ve been shielded from pain or even from having to do less than pleasant tasks (such as take out the garbage)? 

When I ask parents what they hope for their children as adults, they generally say that they hope they’ll be responsible, independent adults (among other things).  Yet, as Ms. Gordon rightly points out in her article, “[Today's young adults] may have mastered martial arts and piano, but they can’t find the circuit breaker panel or figure out whether the two-week-old chicken in their fridge has gone bad.”  We aren’t doing our job properly if we aren’t teaching our children the self-sufficiency to take care of themselves, and allowing the opportunities for them to develop a track-record of overcoming challenges, without us always bailing them out.  Will your older children love the idea of doing chores?  Honestly, probably not.  But like brushing their teeth, eating their veggies, and getting a good night’s sleep, getting your kids to pitch in around the house is an investment now that pays back dividends for them later.

Here’s an interesting question: what’s the difference between a reward and a bribe?  Most parenting experts would say that the distinction comes down to the use of the word “if”.  “If you keep your room clean all month, I’ll give you $20″ would be considered a bribe because the child has the option to do it or not.  The room stays messy?  No money.  It’s up to him or her.  But a reward is something given for a job well done.  Not a huge difference, perhaps.  But however we define it, we need to be careful about paying kids, either with money or other rewards, for their behaviour.

Some people feel it’s a good idea to pay for chores done around the house.  I’m not a huge fan of that arrangement, simply because at a certain point, your kids will decide they don’t need the money that badly or that they’d rather do without both the money and the chore, and you’ve set up a plan that allows them an escape clause.  But the garbage still needs to be taken out, and the dog still needs to be walked, and the dishwasher still needs to be unloaded, so now who does it fall on to get all that done?  Yup, you.  By tying chores or other responsibilities (such as school grades) to money, we muddy the waters of the purpose of both chores and money: kids do chores and contribute around the house because that’s what it means to be a member of a family, and kids have money in order to learn money management.  When we combine the two, we run the risk of damaging both lessons.

We have to be careful not to sap our children’s innate motivation level by tying their success to rewards.  If we pay our kids for each A on their report card, the incentive is financial and dependent on someone else (namely, you) and that person’s determination of success.  But if we teach our kids to always try their best and that we’re proud of their efforts regardless of the results, then they become internally motivated, interested in doing well and succeeding because of the way it makes them feel.  I think that’s the goal of most parents: for their children to do the right thing, even when there’s no one watching and no tangible pay-off for doing so.  Giving a reward for any task completed works against that goal.

Ok, this article was too great not to link to, even though technically I’m on holidays!

The article Parenting Teens: A New Year’s Countdown of Helpful Advice by Anthony E. Wolf, published in the Globe and Mail on Monday has some great tips and shifts in thinking for making 2010 a much better year with your teens.  And really, a lot of the advice also applies to younger kids, too. 

Happy New Year!

We’ve talked before about how important encouragement is for kids. It contributes to healthy self esteem, it fosters courage and a willingness to make a mistake but try again, it puts the emphasis on how our child can make his own interpretations matter most instead of relying on the input of others, it helps kids to feel as though they matter and belong… The list goes on and on. And while we’ve also spent a lot of time talking about some of the ways to encourage but not praise (like focusing on the effort not the result, and asking her how she feels about her performance instead of telling her what you think), I thought that maybe we’re ready for some advanced, out-of-the-box ways of encouraging our kids. Here are some ideas…

· Timing: sometimes children are receptive to encouragement right away, and it can help them shake off misbehaviour as it’s happening, but sometimes everyone needs a cooling off period before you can really get through to one another. Experiment to see what works best in your family.

· Acknowledge Improvement: when it seems as though none of what you’re asking is that hard, it can be frustrating and exasperating to have to deal with baby steps. But if we can recognize that our kids are trying, and acknowledge their improvement, they will be motivated to try again and reach just a bit farther this time.

· “Catch them being good”: Kids learn better through positive reinforcement than they do through any other method (including punishment). Use this awareness to encourage your kids by pointing out what’s already working, and leave it at that. Get used to not adding “…but…” after each of these conversations.

· Make one-on-one time a priority: nothing matters more to your kids than your undivided attention. Nothing. So give it to them.

· Practice good communication: It is extremely frustrating to be reprimanded for not meeting the mark after you’ve tried your best after only receiving vague instructions. Keep this kind of miscommunication from happening by being very clear in your directions and expectations and checking in with your kids before you send them off to make sure that you’re both on the same page. It can be very discouraging for a child to be scolded for not doing something when the real problem is the expectation: when you say, “Please take out the garbage,” and he agrees, you’re thinking “…in the next 60 to 90 seconds” but he’s thinking, “…sometime before I leave for school in the morning”. Get that all out in the open before you end your conversation.

· Forget the Jones’!: it can happen that you will feel discouraged yourself in the face of peer pressure from other parents or disparaging remarks from people like your own parents. You know what’s best for you and your family, and you know that sometimes thinking big picture means making choices and taking actions in the now that seem to be the opposite of what everyone else is doing. Take a deep breath, stick to your guns, and use some of those encouraging phrases we’ve discussed (“You can do it”, “I know you’ll make the best choice for yourself”, “I have faith in you to solve this issue”) on yourself!

Good communication is important in a family, but sometimes we get stuck when we’ve shared what our issues are, and the person we’re sharing with has a different view.  Now what?  At this point I recommend using some specific problem solving steps; the ones I use I’ve adapted from The Winning Family by Louise Hart.  (The book isn’t easy to find new, but you can borrow it from the Oakville Library, if you are so inclined.)

1. Identify and define the problem or conflict: what is really the problem? What exactly is wrong? Identify the problem without blaming. Be aware of everyone’s feelings and needs

2. Brainstorm for possible solutions: express and record all ideas as fast as you think of them. Sometimes the craziest, wildest ideas become the best with a little fixing up. No judgment or discussion should be allowed while brainstorming.

3. Evaluate the alternatives: look at the consequences of each choice. Would it solve the problem or make it worse? Work together to find a solution acceptable to all parties. Help your child see that give and take is necessary for a win-win solution.

4. Choose the best solution: given the reality of the situation, what choice appears to be the best one for the moment? Help your child realize nothing is carved in stone and that he can change his mind later if the solution he chose isn’t getting him the results he would like

5. Implement the solution: what changes need to be made? What will he do? When will he do it? For how long? Decide when to evaluate how it’s working.

6. Follow-up evaluation: assess the results. Is the situation better, worse, or the same? If it is better, does he want to continue doing what he’s doing? If worse, consider another solution from the brainstorming session and implement it. Be persistent until the problem is resolved.

Good communication tools will get you so far; these problem solving steps can help you take those final steps in finding a resolution to the problem and coming together as a family.

My friend Wendy just sent me the link to this article on the Parenting Pink web site, for parents of daughters, and it’s fantastic.  And I don’t think you need to have a daughter to find these statements helpful — they’re great for sons, too.  Great find, Wendy - thanks!

I’m excited to be adding two new topics to my list of workshops:

7 Things Your School-Agers Wished You Knew About Them (based on my free report, which you can get by going to the top of this page and entering in your name and email address)

and

The Crazy Pace of Life: The Effect on Kids and Strategies to Stay Sane

If your school, or church, or workplace, or any other group you’re a part of, is looking for a speaker to hold a workshop, anywhere from an hour to a half day, call me!  I’d love to chat about our options, and I’d be happy to provide some testimonials and feedback from previous workshop participants.  There are more details on my Workshops page. for .

I always like to share good resources when I come across them, and this book, by Alyson Schafer, falls into the category of good resources.  It’s a book about discipline, or, really, the four goals of misbehaviour.  She’s broken down each of the goals into their own chapters, making this book one of the most thorough explorations of the topic of goals that I’ve come across.  Like her first book, Breaking the Good Mom Myth, it’s written in a casual, easy to read style, that acknowledges that this is a messy, complicated situation, being a parent, and that lofty, theoretical tomes are not what you need when your kids refuse to stop jumping on the bed. 

Her work is geared toward parents with kids up to age 10, and I think this is a great additional to your toolkit if you’ve got young kids.  With its main focus on helping those discipline-resistant kids function peacefully within the family, as well as a chapter devoted to her favourite discipline tool, the family meeting, it’s a nice rounding-out of some of the tools and approaches that we often wish we had more how-to information on.

Anyone else read it?