Who among us did not hear that as a kid?  And who finds themselves saying it to their own kids now?  Children can really wear you down, and some of them are more persistent than others — even after a reasonable “no”, they still keep harping and nagging until they break through your calm attitude and leave you barking these four words. 

The problem with “because I said so” is that it sends the message to the child that you don’t really care about his point of view, that when it really comes down to it, what he thinks and feels is not really important compared to what you want.  It makes it tough for him to take you seriously when you tell him that you want him to come to you with his problems or his desires, because he doesn’t really believe that you’ll listen to him anyway.

You may end up with compliance, at least for a little while, by using the “because I said so” strategy.  But in the long run you risk damaging your credibility when you tell your kids that what they think matters, you may set them up to be taken advantage of by authority figures, or they may get angry, secretly rebel, and stop concerning themselves about you and what you say.

This doesn’t mean that children should be allowed to do whatever they want.  As a parent, you have a legal and moral obligation to keep your kids safe and to look out for their best interests.  When it comes to issues of safety, legality, and morality, you need to reserve the right to limit your children’s activities.  But instead of just resorting to “because I said so”, let your kids know (in age appropriate terms, of course) what your concerns are and that if they can find a way to really address all of those concerns in a way you both feel good about, that you’ll reconsider.  (Barbara Coloroso describes this idea by using the phrase, “Convince me” with kids.)  This isn’t a blanket acceptance of what they’re doing or a suggestion that under any circumstances you should be forced into doing something or letting your kids do something you don’t feel comfortable with — it’s a way to teach critical thinking and problem solving skills that they’ll be able to use over and over again in their lives.  We need to practice these kinds of behaviours for them to become natural and second nature, and kids can’t go wrong with the ability to identify a problem, consider the options for overcoming the problem, and presenting these options to the involved parties.  And it keeps you out of the dog house in having to fight with your children over “because I said so” over and over again.

Did you know that, statistically, half of all divorces take place in the first seven years of marriage? Or put another way, if couples with children are going to divorce, they’ll do it before their children reach the age of five? Anyone who has had kids can understand why – it’s a time of major adjustment and upheaval, when your nice little life ceases to exist and a new one is created around a person who can’t do anything for him or herself. Even if you luck out and get an “easy” baby, there’s very little that’s easy about those first few years.

And with the focus so much on figuring out how this new little person is going to fit into your lives, it can be very tempting to put your marriage on the back burner. You both know how hard it is, so why put pressure on yourselves to focus on your marriage, too? Then, as the children get older and there are more logistics involved, it doesn’t take much to see that life gets easier when one of you takes one kid to soccer, while the other stays home and cooks dinner, or takes the other kids to their own soccer games.

But while this kind of task-sharing may keep things running as smoothly as possible, behind the scenes, you and your partner slowly start to become strangers. The glue that held you together isn’t as strong anymore, since you’re not seeing as much of one another (with your clothes or without). Becoming a parent changes you, both of you, until one day you realize that while your life has taken on a life of its own, your marriage has slowly, but definitely, drifted off track.

Even though this might not describe your situation exactly, you may be interested to know that most marriages don’t end for the big reasons we might assume. It’s not usually domestic violence or drug abuse that drive marriages apart; it’s more often simply that the two “fell out of love”.

That’s a real shame, because giving up on your marriage at this point robs you of the opportunity to get back to the love and passion you felt in the beginning of your relationship, once the adjustment periods are behind you and you’ve come to an awareness and acceptance about who you and your spouse really are. We’ve somehow come to believe that love should be easy, and that if it isn’t, we should stop wasting our time. But couples who have been together for many, many years will tell you that there are always periods that are hard, that it isn’t always easy. But what is? Only the quick-fixes tend to be easy; most of what we value in life and the things with real meaning are things we have to work for: our educations, our careers, our weights, our finances, our gardens…and our relationships.

Here’s another interesting statistic for you: it would appear that about 10% of couples who divorce get remarried…to each other (it’s a hard stat to pin down because no one has tracked that remarriage rate specifically, but that number would seem to be accurate, and somewhat conservative, if anything). That’s a lot of heartbreak and expense to learn that where you want to be is where you were.

Life is too short to be unhappy. The problem is, separating or divorcing is not always the path to happiness we think (and hope) it will be. If you are struggling in your marriage, are feeling fed up, lonely, or just worn out, don’t give up hope. Start by reconnecting, enjoying one another’s company, and spending time together. It’s a small step, yes, but a great start.

(I highly recommend the book The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis. I was so inspired by her approach and the success she has in working with couples, that I took her intensive training for therapists, so that I could help my own clients find the same kind of success and happiness. And one of the best things about her approach is that you don’t need a willing partner to make significant and important changes in marriage; you can create that ripple effect by seeking counselling and making changes yourself.)

Here’s to many more happy years together.

Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of our lives today, we can find ourselves pretty removed from the family that is so important to us. Here are 5 things you can do – today! – to improve your family life.

1. Respect: It’s the cornerstone of all healthy relationships. If we don’t respect our children, our partner, or ourselves, we teach our kids habits that will keep them from having fulfilling and healthy relationships throughout their lives.

2. Communication: If respect is the first cornerstone, communication is the second. But sometimes we let ourselves step around it because we think we’re too busy (or we’re afraid of what we might hear). It’s never too early, or too late, to teach our children the skill of effective communication.

3. Encourage: Focus on rewarding the effort and not the achievement, and watch your children flourish. They’ll tackle even more challenging tasks and be more willing to try new things when the pressure to perform is gone.

4. Make Quality Time: What your children want more than anything is to feel important to you. You can show them that they matter by really giving them your full attention, regardless of how much time you have.

5. Have Fun: Give yourself time to be spontaneous; don’t fill every waking moment with “to do’s” or scheduled activities.

Whatever the age of your children, they will only pass through this phase once. Savour each moment and resolve to make the most of this time with your family.

Patience is an elusive concept for parents. It can either be something we have (or don’t – as in, “I don’t have a lot of patience for that behaviour”), something we are (or aren’t – as in, “I’m not very patient with my kids”), or something that describes our personality (as in, “I’m not a very patient person”) . But, whatever it is, for most parents, it’s a lot like money: there’s just never enough to go around.

Is it possible to increase our patience? Absolutely. Our impatience springs from a series of thoughts and feelings that we have about a situation; if we change our thoughts and feelings, we can change our level of patience.

When something happens, we instantaneously judge it as being either good or bad. We decide that it’s a bad thing that milk was spilled on the floor or a good thing that our child brought home a report called filled with B’s, but these things are actually neutral in themselves. How we view them is what gives them their emotional charge. Once we’ve reached a conclusion about an event, we then have a feeling that is in line with our thought. If we decide that it’s good to earn B’s on a report card, we’ll feel happy/proud/ecstatic/celebratory or another positive emotion. But the opposite is also true; if we decide that it’s bad to spill milk, we’re more likely to feel impatient/angry/resentful or another negative emotion. Our impatience doesn’t come from nowhere, so the first thing we need to do in order to increase our patience is to become aware of how we assess these situations. The second thing is to not let our negative thoughts control how we respond.

Sometimes it’s our expectations, not our children, that lead us astray. At different times in their lives, it is developmentally appropriate, for example, for our children to refuse to cooperate, throw their food on the floor, insist on doing everything (or nothing) for themselves, and act out many other behaviours that range from annoying to obnoxious. The key to increasing our patience is to remind ourselves that this is a developmentally appropriate behaviour and not an attempt to drive us around the bend. If we can keep in mind that our children are not purposely pushing our buttons, it becomes easier to take a deep breath and ask ourselves, what do I want my child to learn from this situation? Because that’s what every interaction with our children is: an opportunity for them to learn. If we let our impatience get the best of us, we may, perhaps, inadvertently teach our children that we are likely to yell when they ask what to them seems to be a perfectly reasonable question. And if that’s the lesson, how quickly do you think they’ll decide just to stop asking questions altogether?

But what about those times when they really are pushing your buttons on purpose? These are still opportunities to teach and learn. How you handle these situations teaches your children more than just how to make your face turn purple. It also models for them how to handle frustration, disappointment, and anger. In these situations, look behind the behaviour for what is motivating it, and address that aspect first. If misbehaviour can be viewed as a misplaced attempt to fill a need your child has, remaining patient will be a key part of getting to its root, meeting the need in a healthy way, and avoiding the misbehaviour in the future.

When you start to see red, take a breath and ask yourself, how can I turn this situation into a positive opportunity for my child to learn? If we look at those experiences in our lives that cause us grief not as hassles or obstacles, but instead as tasks to be completed and lessons to be learned, it becomes easier and easier to increase our patience and become a more patient person. It’s all in the way we look at it.

A lot of focus is put on how important it is for Mom and Dad to be on the same parenting page — which is definitely important — but a more delicate situation can be when Mom and Dad don’t agree with how Grandma and Grandpa take care of the kids.  There’s a fine balance to be found between wanting our children to have great relationships with their grandparents, as well as the need or desire for (free) babysitting, and generational differences in how we parent.  While as a parent, you may expect a little more indulgence by Grandma and Grandpa, and a relaxing of some rules, but how do you handle letting your parents know about your safety concerns (after all, lots of us were raised without car seats or helmets) or issues they may not have much experience with (such as severe allergies)?

Our parents may have belonged to a generation that actively sought out the advise and input of their parents, and now that these parents are grandparents, it may be difficult for them to wrap their minds around the fact that we have different ways of doing things.  When you feel as though you’ve done a just fine job of raising your own children, it can be insulting or hurtful to spoken to in a way that suggest that you don’t have a clue what you’re doing, and as the parents in this dynamic, we need to remember that.  But there’s a balance to be had there, too, in the sense that grandparents also need to respect that they are not members three and four of this parenting team (unless that’s how you’ve structured your family…but if that’s the case, you probably haven’t read this far into the article…) and that unless they have serious concerns about their grandchild’s safety, they need to respect that this is how you are raising your kids. 

So how do you find that balance between wanting and needing to have grandparents in your children’s lives, and not fighting and arguing over what that’s going to look like? 

Keep the lines of communication open.  Let your parents know that while you don’t want to insult their intelligence or their parenting know-how, there are some aspects of safety or discipline that matter a great deal to you, and you’d feel much better knowing that everyone was in agreement on how these situations will be handled.  There has to be give and take both ways, so realize that there probably will be special “spoiling”, like extra treats and later bedtimes, but also be up-front about letting your parents know if, for some reason, these indulgences are not acceptable today (for example, your child is on a special diet, or you have a big day the next day and everyone needs to be well-rested).  Being clear and not making assumptions about what your parents know or will do, or need to know or need to do, will help to keep everyone’s frustrations at bay.

Often, the problem that parents and grandparents run into is not simply about rules not being followed, but about a lack of respect.  The issue of the excessive treats or the late bedtime may be annoying in itself, but grandparents have to be aware that these sorts of problems are often seen as merely the symptoms by parents — symptoms of the larger issue that their parenting style and choices are not being respected by the grandparents.  Have a conversation about the roles you see yourselves and your parents playing in your children’s lives, and come to an agreement on the stuff that’s not negotiable and how to demonstrate a level of mutual respect.  It may be difficult for the grandparents to learn how to redefine their role, especially if they had a different assumption than of you of what that role would be, but it’s important that you stay calm, be clear in your expectations, discuss issues as they arise, and work together to find solutions. 

If your parents provide some sort of regular support, whether that’s in babysitting or financial support, they may feel that they have a right to be involved in some of the decision-making when it comes to your children.  Learning how to let go of that expectation may not come overnight.  Keep the channels of communication open, be patient with one another, and keep in mind that, just maybe, they may have some advice or words of wisdom that will be just what you need to hear.

Here’s a thought from Jean-Yves Frappier, the head of the adolescent division at Sainte-Justine Hospital in Montreal and president of the Canadian Association for Adolescent Health, as quoted in Today’s Parent magazine a number of years ago: just when you thought that it was ok/necessary/unavoidable to be considered redundant by your teenagers, he has this to say:

I always compare parents to the while line one the highway.  You don’t always look at the line when it’s sunny, but if it’s dark and rainy, you look at that line to make sure you are on the right path.  That line is always there, always, always.

Fantastic!  What a great way to remind us that while the teen years may be challenging, giving up or assuming our kids don’t want us around is never the answer.  So what can you do instead?  I encourage parents to keep offering to do things with your teens, whether that’s go our for dinner or shopping or to a concert or special event or playing a game…or whatever.  Will they take you up on it?  Perhaps not.  But keep putting yourself out there, and letting your kids know you’re there for them.

Include all of your kids in decisions like family vacations, how to spend free time like school holidays, and the running of the house.  Cheer them on at their sporting events or recitals.  Keep t.v.’s and computers in central areas of your house (never let your child have a web cam in their rooms), and watch and discuss shows together.  Let them know that you love them and love having them in your family.

We spend a lot of our time as parents trying to “make” our kids do things. Whether it’s making them hurry up, pick up after themselves, be polite, or make the bed, a lot of focus is put on what we want our kids to do, and how we can get them to do it. The unfortunate reality is, though, that we cannot make anybody – including our kids – do something unless they consent to do it. The best we can do is set up an environment that encourages them to do whatever it is we’d like them to do, or set up an environment that makes not doing the task less desirable than doing it.

This notion can actually be quite freeing. We are no longer on the hook for our kids’ behaviour – that’s their job. We may have been putting a lot of effort into managing and owning responsibility for their behaviour, only to be disappointed and frustrated. So we can now let go of the expectation we have of ourselves that we are somehow – or should be – in control of what our kids do, and that we have failed by losing that control. In this relationship with our kids, the only thing we have guaranteed control over is how we behave.

So it’s important that, instead of spending time worrying about how we’ll get our kids to do what we want them to do, we spend time figuring out what is in our own best interests and then doing that. We can, for example, nag and argue and fight with our kids about picking up their own laundry, and then, perhaps, resort to picking it up ourselves so that it can get washed. Or, we can let our kids know what we will do: we’ll wash only the clothes that are in their hampers, and if something is left on the floor – such as, say, a soccer uniform – it will remain unwashed until it gets put into the hamper and laundry day comes around again. This might mean that someone will have to wear a dirty soccer shirt to a game, but then, that is the choice of the kid. When kids know what the outcomes of two courses of actions will be (clothes in hamper = clothes get washed, or clothes on floor = clothes don’t get washed), they can make an informed decision about how they will behave, and then they are on the hook for the results.

We need to get used to understanding the limits of our own authority. While we can insist that we won’t take our son to his soccer game unless he changes his clothes, we can’t make him care about wearing a clean uniform. That will come organically after he wears a dirty shirt for a number of games in a row and he gets told by the coach or by a teammate that he’s not welcome back until he smells better. Life is about priorities. And while you can’t force your priorities on your kids indefinitely, they will hopefully adopt them as their own once they have the opportunity to fully appreciate why those priorities matter.

By deciding what you will do, letting your kids know in advance what that will be, and then following through, kindly and firmly, you teach your kids a number of important lessons. First of all, you demonstrate that you mean what you say and you will follow through. You also let kids know that they can influence the results through their own choices and behaviour. And they learn that they have the skills to deal with both good and bad results.

All this, and you’ll never have to nag again.

Here’s an interesting question: what’s the difference between a reward and a bribe?  Most parenting experts would say that the distinction comes down to the use of the word “if”.  “If you keep your room clean all month, I’ll give you $20″ would be considered a bribe because the child has the option to do it or not.  The room stays messy?  No money.  It’s up to him or her.  But a reward is something given for a job well done.  Not a huge difference, perhaps.  But however we define it, we need to be careful about paying kids, either with money or other rewards, for their behaviour.

Some people feel it’s a good idea to pay for chores done around the house.  I’m not a huge fan of that arrangement, simply because at a certain point, your kids will decide they don’t need the money that badly or that they’d rather do without both the money and the chore, and you’ve set up a plan that allows them an escape clause.  But the garbage still needs to be taken out, and the dog still needs to be walked, and the dishwasher still needs to be unloaded, so now who does it fall on to get all that done?  Yup, you.  By tying chores or other responsibilities (such as school grades) to money, we muddy the waters of the purpose of both chores and money: kids do chores and contribute around the house because that’s what it means to be a member of a family, and kids have money in order to learn money management.  When we combine the two, we run the risk of damaging both lessons.

We have to be careful not to sap our children’s innate motivation level by tying their success to rewards.  If we pay our kids for each A on their report card, the incentive is financial and dependent on someone else (namely, you) and that person’s determination of success.  But if we teach our kids to always try their best and that we’re proud of their efforts regardless of the results, then they become internally motivated, interested in doing well and succeeding because of the way it makes them feel.  I think that’s the goal of most parents: for their children to do the right thing, even when there’s no one watching and no tangible pay-off for doing so.  Giving a reward for any task completed works against that goal.

I know I always seem to talk a lot about the importance of traditions and spending time with your children and creating meaning in your family, but, well, it matters a lot!  If you’d like to start a little conversation, I thought I’d share some of the family traditions we have in my family, and please feel free to add your own…

We have a lot of family to see over a few days, so we have started to make a point of not doing anything with anyone outside our immediate family until at least noon on Christmas morning.  It was getting to be a little out of hand seeing one family in the morning and another in the afternoon, so now we’re in a “just us” routine that makes the whole day a lot more relaxed. 

My husband and I like to watch White Christmas every Christmas Eve.  I will admit that we sometimes fall asleep near the end — we always have family over for dinner that night, and by the time we say good-bye to them, get ourselves organized for the next day, and sit down with a glass of wine, it can be pretty late.  But we’re both looking forward to the years when our kids are old enough to stay up with us and watch it, too.

We take turns opening gifts.  I know the free-for-all approach works for some families, but we like being able to see everyone open each of their gifts and turn our attention to both giving and receiving. 

What special traditions do you have in your family?  How do you give this season of overindulgence and materialism, meaning for your family?

While I was at the conference in California (just got back last night!  And had a great time…), I was reading a little poll in Today’s Parent magazine’s December issue.  I thought it would be interesting to post the poll and the results here:

“We asked: What do YOU want to do in 2010?

37%   Yell less.

25%   Be more active as a family.

14%   Make more time for myself.

8%   Spend more time with my kids.

6%   Eat more dinners as a family.”

What this tells me is that a lot of us are struggling with a yelling addiction.  (And the rest of the poll tells me that we’re feeling a serious time crunch in almost all areas of our lives…but that’s a discussion for another post.)  So I thought I’d share some ideas for cutting back on the yelling, and getting the new year off to a pleasant/relaxed/quiet start.

Let’s start by having a family meeting.  There’s just nothing that can’t be helped with a family meeting!  Talk about what happens when you yell — dollars to donuts your kids don’t like it any more than you do — and ask for their cooperation in cutting yelling out of your home, for everyone.  If you’ve got some situations that typically lead to yelling, like getting out the door in the morning, or bedtime, or when the kids are fighting, use those specific examples to problem solve other ways to handle the situation.  Let everyone take some responsibility for making the situation better, doing whatever they can to contribute to a sense of calmness and cooperation.

Plan ahead.  If you need to get out the door at a certain time, well before your departure time, ask your kids for their cooperation and think about ways everyone can help to make things run smoothly.   Knowing when you’re likely to blow up, whether that’s a certain time of day or when a specific situation occurs (or doesn’t), can make it easier for you to plan ahead for yourself with some strategies like being prepared, giving yourself lots of time, practicing deep breathing, or deciding what you will do.

And speaking of deciding what you will do…  Too often, part of what we’re yelling is threats and punishments to kids who aren’t listening.  The problem with this strategy is that if the yelling worked, you wouldn’t be looking to cut it out of your tool box.  So, since trying to spur your kids to action by telling them what you’re going to do to them isn’t working, a better option might be to simply and calmly tell them what you’ll do yourself.  Instead of, “If you don’t get out that door in the next 30 seconds, there will be no video games for the rest of the day!”, try, “At 8.00 I’m going to get in the car and take all of you to school.  If you aren’t ready to go, I have faith that you’ll be able to make due for the day.”  No raised voices required.

Naturally, it’s harder to keep the yelling and the temper under control when you’re stressed out, overtired, or in a similarly negative frame of mind.  It’s important to take care of yourself and focus on being healthy, which sets a great example for your kids of how not to lose their cool, too.  If you have a co-parent, don’t forget to rely on him or her to help when you’re about to explode; sometimes seeing your partner about to lose it gives us the ability to stay calmer ourselves and take over to avert a potentially loud response.

Here’s to a calm 2010!