Here’s an interesting note for parents of teens: the teenage body wants to sleep for nine hours each night, but due to shifting circadian rhythms (the internal process that regulates sleepiness and wakefulness in us) it can be almost impossible for kids to fall asleep early enough to get the full amount of sleep that they need.

If you have a teen zombie on your hands, encourage him or her to go to bed nine hours before he or she has to wake up.  While there may not be any sleep happening, by encouraging quiet activities like reading, you’re still promoting a kind of rest.  Discourage computers or television after this time; the light emitted from the screens mimics the light of the sun when it hits our brains, and ironically sends a “time to wake up!” message, making it even harder to fall asleep.

So all this explains why teens are addicted to sleeping until noon on the weekends!  Turns out they’re just catching up, and it’s not such a bad thing.

You may or may not have already had "the talk" with your kids, your daughters in particular.  You may be avoiding it like the plague, you may feel that there’s no need because if your daughter needs information she’ll come to you, or you may be confident that you’ve got the kind of relationship with your daughter that’s open and healthy, and not much slips by you. 

Here’s the problem: regardless of how you would describe your experience or expectations in this area, there’s a good chance a lot is going on that you don’t know about.

Here are some facts to consider, from a recent survey:

• "Only 22 percent of mothers think their daughters are uncomfortable talking to them about sex, while 61 percent of girls say that, in fact, they are."
• "…the actual number of 15- to 18-year-olds in our survey having oral sex (30 percent) is double the number mothers know about, or even suspect…"
• "…46 percent of girls that age who’ve had intercourse didn’t tell their moms."
• "Seventy-eight percent of surveyed girls who are no longer virgins say they’ve had sex without using a condom, and 65 percent of them admit they lied about or hid it from their mothers."
• "…a sobering 56 percent of girls who are no longer virgins have had sex without any form of birth control: Sixty-six percent of these girls have kept that a secret from Mom."
• "Even among the few girls who had an abortion, many didn’t tell."
• "…only 4 percent of girls say their moms are the biggest influence on their attitudes toward sex."

Did anything there surprise you?

These statistics are direct quotes from an article by Liz Brody in O Magazine.  Here’s a link to the full article (I definitely recommend reading the whole thing).  The survey referred to is one that was conducted jointly with O Magazine and Seventeen Magazine, in which 1000 girls ages 15-22,  and 1000 moms of girls those ages, were surveyed. 

The words I would use to describe my reaction to this survey are distressed, saddened, and re-energized.  It’s time to take control of this topic within our own families, get educated ourselves, and open up a dialogue so that we can say with 100% confidence, that the results of this survey don’t reflect what’s happening with our kids.  Here are some resources from Oprah to get you started:

First of all, read the whole article.  Make sure you have accurate information in order to answer any questions she may have, learn from what’s worked (and not) from the moms interviewed, and decide what approach you’ll take with your daughter.

There’s also an online quiz you can take to determine how well you’ve been doing in this area with your own daughter.  It’s another great resource.

If you know that your daughter is thinking about having sex with her boyfriend, Dr Laura Berman, a sex therapist who has been a part of this discussion on Oprah’s show, has a list of questions to ask your daughter and her boyfriend before they go ahead with their plan.  You can find the questions here.

Dr Berman has also prepared a handbook for parents to talk to their kids about sex, regardless of their age.  It’s great — get it here.  And on that same page is a set of visual aids that you can use in your own talk, as well as a video of Dr Berman coaching a mom through the talk with her daughter. 

Take a deep breath.  You can do it!

What are the symptoms of stress? You can probably name a few that you recognize in yourself – irritability, emotionality, trouble sleeping, inability to concentrate – but what you may not be aware of is that if you are under stress, your kids probably are, too. Like a cold virus that makes its way through the members of a family, stress is easy to pass on, without even realizing you’re doing it. The good news, though, is that if it’s easy to “catch” stress from your family members, it’s just as easy to share a relaxed attitude and healthy problem-solving skills.

First of all, it’s important to know what some of the signs of a child’s stress are, because sometimes that’s the best barometer of your own stress level and how it’s affecting the family. You may feel as though you’re coping just fine, but if your kids start to show some of the following behaviours, you may want to take a closer look at the stress “temperature” of the family:

· Anger

· Aggressiveness, increase in fighting with other kids

· Anxiety

· Crankiness, irritability

· Bedwetting or using the bathroom frequently

· Sensitivity, or a lack of resilience – not as able to cope with small upsets (like a sibling taking a toy) as usual or as would be expected

· Change in appetite

· Inability to concentrate

· Appearance or reappearance of nervous or self-soothing habits, such as thumb-sucking, hair twisting, wanting a security blanket

· Withdrawal

· Change in school performance

Kids also feel stress because of things happening just in their own lives, too, so don’t discount a complaint your child has or a comment made about pressures he’s facing (at school, in sports, socially), changes in the family (such as a big move or a divorce), or the way he’s feeling (particularly feelings of loneliness, fear, and not living up to expectations).

Parents can play an important role in helping their kids cope with stress. Unfortunately, coping skills aren’t something we are generally taught, so you as a role model are a potent teacher. Share coping skills like relaxation techniques, breathing exercises, and making “self care” a priority, that can all help your kids manage their own stress levels. Being realistic about your own schedule and what you can reasonably hope to accomplish in a given period of time is also a critical skill.

Being a member of a supportive family is a huge stress-reliever, so make a point of spending time together as a family – enjoying time doing fun things as a family is a great stress reliever, and if those activities include some physical exercise, even better.

Encourage healthy friendships in your children, and have your own social network. The impact on stress reduction of an hour spent with a good friend is profound.

Fostering independence in your kids is another great antidote to stress. When children feel competent and capable, and able to handle challenges, their stress levels naturally decrease. Teaching problem-solving skills is a great part of this, too.

Working with your child’s teacher and school can help, as well. Even if the main cause of stress isn’t academic pressure, encouraging kids to do their best with an emphasis more on efforts rather than results, can help kids learn to keep a healthy perspective and put their energy into activities that allow them to feel capable and in charge of their own lives.

Stress may be a common part of life, but it doesn’t have to dominate your life…or your children’s either.

Sometimes kids’ bodies grow faster than their brain is equipped to handle it.  You may have noticed your young teen seems more gangly and uncoordinated lately, especially following a growth spurt.  It can take the brain a little while to catch up to the new bigger, stronger body, and in the meantime, tripping, spilling, and bumping are all too common.

Encourage your child not to give up on physical tasks (like a new sport) too easily, not to throw in the towel because of feeling awkward and uncoordinated.  This is usually a phase kids pass through within a year or two, so the perseverance they show now will reward them soon.

When the milk gets knocked off the dinner table for the eighth night in a row, it can be tough to maintain your sense of humour.  Point out what’s going on without anger or an attempt to humiliate or shame: "Slow down and think about what you’re doing."  Help them to think through what they’re doing and plan their actions so that they’re more in control of their bodies and their behaviour. 

And try not to lose your cool as that third picture gets knocked off the wall by the shoulder of a teen rushing by.  Remember, he’s not doing it on purpose…and it’s ok to gently remind him to put it back up and fix it himself.

We’re all familiar with the raging hormones of teenagers, but what if you child isn’t quite a teen yet?  Can we chalk up the moodiness, the irritability, the irrationality, and the emotional roller coaster to hormones?

There’s a good chance that you’re noticing some of this typically "teen" behaviour with your pre-teens.  One of the things that can be affected by these hormones is sleep regulation, so not only do you have a kid who’s hormones are running rampant, but he or she may also be a bit sleep-deprived, making the whole process significantly harder to handle.  For both of you.

The best thing for parents to do at this time is to remind themselves to be patient, tolerant, but not to forget about the healthy boundaries.  While you may want to pick your battles, hormones is not an excuse for poor behaviour with no consequences.  Physical activity has been shown to be amazingly helpful in regulating moods, so make sure that your little tempest is getting enough exercise. 

How do you know when it’s more than just run-of-the-mill hormones?  Consider the duration; if the moodiness and sullen behaviour has been continuing for most of the time for the better part of two weeks, you might want to consider this is more than just hormones.  If your child is complaining about symptoms that seem to be particularly distressing and are beginning to impact his functioning, consider talking to a mental health professional.

If you’re a parent of a pre-teen boy, you’ve probably struggled with the hygiene issue.  Now that he’s too old to be dumped by you into the tub, you may find that his personal care has suffered.  Maybe a little, maybe a lot.

Some boys of this age just don’t place as a high a value on cleanliness as most adults do.  Not showering or using deodorant may be a way of exerting some independence.  Simply, it just isn’t a priority.

Remind yourself that if you want to have influence over the important issues that really matter, it’s important to not lose your head over the smaller issues.  Allison Rees, a parent educator, suggested in an article I read to try using the phrase, "When I smell body odour, I feel uncomfortable.  Would you be willing to have a shower?" to express how you feel without coming down too heavy, which I think is a great tactic. 

And if all else fails, remember this: as soon as your son becomes more interested in romance, this will cease to be an issue.  In fact, you may find your water bill going through the roof.

How much sleep do you get?  As someone who has struggled with sleep problems most of my life, I’m very interested in sleep issues and very conscientious about giving my own kids the best start when it comes to the best sleep habits.

Why are we as a culture so inclined to dismiss or denigrate sleep?  I remember being in high school and having a friend moan, "I’m sooo tired!"  How often do we hear "I’m so tired"?  How often do we say it?

This can be a tough issue for teens.  Ironically, as kids age, they begin to need more sleep than they used to.  According to Dr. Marc Weissbluth in his great book Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child, "Many teenagers over age fifteen require more sleep than in previous years to maintain optimal daytime alertness."  Which could not come at a worse time, as homework increases, extra-curricular events increase, and the demands of part-time jobs increase.

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We’ve all heard of growth spurts, but after our kids pass the infancy stage, we may not be aware of when to expect them or what’s common among Canadian teenagers.

Girls’ growth spurts generally start around age 10 1/2, which peaks around 13 years, with continued (albeit slower) growth over the next couple of years.

Boys hit their peak growth rate sometime between 12 1/2 and 14 years of age, and they continue to grow until about age 16 or 17.

It can be hard to stand out in the crowd, for either being too tall or too short, but perhaps a trip to the doctor’s might help ease your teen’s mind.  One doctor will take the teen to the measuring device in his office, set it at the height he thinks this particular teen will settle in at eventually, and says, "Look up, that’s how tall you’re likely to be."  That generally reassures any teens (especially boys) who may be shorter than their friends and feeling uncomfortable with their lack of stature.

I’ve been thinking a lot about kids and food lately, and I’m wondering what it’s like in your family.  I feel like we’ve been given so much information about good nutrition that I don’t understand how so many kids are turning up at school with junk in their lunchbags (when they bring their lunch, that is).

Is it that people don’t really know what constitutes good nutrition, or is it that we know what’s healthy but everyone’s too busy to buy and prepare it?

Did you know that eating disorders are starting to be diagnosed in girls as young as 11?  Traditionally, they were not thought to be diagnosable until closer to adulthood, but more and more, doctors are seeing behaviours consistent with anorexia nervosa and bulimia in younger and younger girls.

Eating disorders can be hard to diagnose, because the diagnostic criteria isn’t always applicable to children. But the effects of an undiagnosed eating disorder can be devastating — physically, emotionally, and socially.

While there are no hard and fast rules in identifying eating disorders, parents should be alert to certain signs.  Changing moods or attitudes, a developing preoccupation with food, and changes in social behaviours or appearance are certainly not exclusive to eating disorders, but they are signs to watch for.  An obsession with fitness or exercise is also a clue — as is running to the bathroom right after eating.

And of course, the most reliable indicator of a problem is your gut.  If you feel there is a problem, there probably is.  Don’t talk yourself out of getting it checked out.

Luckily, there are now more and more programs focused on addressing teen and preteen eating disorders.  If your doctor isn’t able to provide you with treatment options specifically tailored to teens, do an Internet search.  Psychotherapist Abigail Natenshon’s web site has a lot of specific information and support, for example.  Sick Kids Hospital in Toronto also has an eating disorders program.

What if you think your son is the one with the eating disorder?  Well, sadly, eating disorders are on the rise for boys, too.  Their motivations for wanting to lose weight are often different than girls, but the warning signs are the same.